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Nov

The legacy of Gazza’s music career

By Obscure Music and Football Leave a Comment

Categories: Football and Music
Tags: Fog on the Tyne (Revisited), Gazza, Geordie Boys (Gazza Rap), Paul Gascoigne

People were mad about Paul Gascoigne in 1990; the phrase “Gazza-mania” sums it all up. After Italia ’90, the number of Gazza-related products was endless: the annuals, videos, countless biographies, MB board games and video game sequels. And this is without mentioning his appearances in television adverts for Brut and Woolworths, and launching BBC Radio Five with a guest slot on Garth Crooks’ ‘Sporting Albums’ programme. He even won the Best Dressed Man and BBC Sports Personality of the Year awards in late 1990.

But, during the height of “Gazza-mania”, Gazza ventured into the music industry by releasing three records: something that would not just change the way footballers make music, but would also help to influence the rest of his career.

Chart stats

In order to explain this, some historical context is needed. In November 1990, Gazza teamed up with Lindisfarne to release a revised version of their most famous hit; this time, it was called ‘Fog on the Tyne (Revisited)’. There was the inevitable wave of press hype, and it was expected to be a breakout hit and immediately reach Number 1 in the UK Singles Chart. Despite being released over a month before Christmas – and having another single, ‘Geordie Boys (Gazza Rap)’, released by then – ‘Fog on the Tyne (Revisited’) was installed as the third favourite for the Christmas Number 1 spot, behind Cliff Richards’s ‘Saviour’s Day’ and Partners in Kryme’s ‘Undercover’. Smash Hits’ Ryan Lowe, for instance, wrote:

“So [Lindisfarne] rewrite the words to suit Gazza, stick a big booming house beat behind it and bob’s your uncle, it’ll be No.1 for about six million years. Well, for a bit anyway.”

Bearing in mind these high expectations, it’s fair to say that ‘Fog on the Tyne (Revisited)’ under-performed in the charts. It was the highest new entry in the UK Singles Chart at Number 11 and the next week it climbed up to Number 2 – as it was kept off the Number 1 spot by the UK’s biggest selling single of 1990, The Righteous Brothers’ re-release of ‘Unchained Melody’. Despite this, sales quickly dropped as it only spent two weeks in the Top 10 and nine weeks in the Top 75; by Christmas, it had slipped to Number 48.

It did not get any better when ‘Geordie Boys (Gazza Rap)’ was released, just seven weeks later, in a rushed attempt to get it out for the Christmas market. Being released so soon after Gazza’s début single meant that most of press promotion was about Gazza’s music career, rather than one particular single. Despite airings of the video on ‘Top of the Pops’ and ITV’s Saturday morning children’s programme ‘Motormouth’, the follow-up single performed poorly in the charts: entering at Number 43 in the 1990 Christmas charts. It eventually peaked at Number 31, but the damage was done and his LP, under the moniker of Gazza and Friends, also flopped.

The negative press reception towards ‘Fog on the Tyne (Revisited)’ did not help ahead of the release of ‘Geordie Boys (Gazza Rap)’ and neither did the sheer amount of hype attached to the début single. This led to Mark Moore from S’Express claiming – during an interview for Select Magazine in January 1991 – the hero and hype of 1990 was Gazza because of Italia ’90 and “the dance music overkill bandwagon”.

The fact that the release of ‘Geordie Boys (Gazza Rap)’ was pencilled in for the music industry’s busiest week was an indicator of its troubled genesis; it may have fared better in the charts if it was released during the quiet New Year period, alongside another press campaign. Iron Maiden, Wet Wet Wet and D:Ream all reached Number 1 in the UK Singles Chart, during the early-to-mid 1990s, by taking advantage of the fact that few records are released at the start of the year, and doing the same may have saved Gazza’s music career. Not only was it killed off within seven weeks, but it could also be classed as the first major backlash that the footballer had faced.

The marketing machine

But, despite the criticism from music critics, Gazza took his musical recordings seriously. This was to the extent that he told Lowe he wouldn’t spoof his famous tears in the ‘Fog on the Tyne (Revisited)’ promotional video. He said:

“That would be taking the piss out of something I’d done very seriously. What happened at that moment was something I was really upset about – England got beaten in the World Cup. A lot of other people were upset too and it would be taking the piss out of them if I made a joke of it now.”

In addition, during the interview with Smash Hits, he added that he was taking his music career seriously:

“I’m taking it seriously. I want it to do well. I don’t want to put no crap in the charts and I want it to do well because of the song, because it’s a good song, not because it’s a Paul Gascoigne song.”

Also, unlike ad-hoc recordings like Kevin Keegan’s ‘Head Over Heels In Love’, there seemed to be an actual strategy in place for a footballer-cum-musician for the first time. Details of Gazza’s LP and his follow-up single ‘Geordie Boys (Gazza Rap)’, for instance, were announced during promotion for ‘Fog on the Tyne (Revisted)’, which suggests that there were plans to turn the player into a fully-fledged pop star.

Although it is unknown whether this was a short-term plan – in order to milk Gazza’s boom in popularity, during the winter period of 1990 – there was an attempt to tailor the music towards Gazza’s personality and brand. Instead of making money out of one single, BMG Records, who used the subsidiary label Best for Gazza’s records, tried to make as much money as possible by releasing a series of records within a space of a few months; thus, further developing the concept of musicians releasing music.

This is in stark contrast to the approach taken when Glenn Hoddle and Chris Waddle’s ‘Diamonds Lights’ was released in 1987. The idea to release a single started off as a bit of fun at an budget car rental awards party and, while ‘Diamond Lights’ was eventually picked up by minor label Record Shack, it was never taken too seriously by either footballer and no long-term plan was apparent. In fact, considering that the release of ‘Diamond Lights’ coincided with the 1987 FA Cup final, it could be cynically suggested that the single was marketing ploy for Tottenham Hotspur’s appearance in the aforementioned final. A follow-up, ‘It’s Goodbye’, was released but failed to reached the UK Top 100 Singles Chart, partly due to Hoddle’s move to Monaco and his inability to promote the record.

While Gazza’s music career was equally short-lived, his earnest approach has similarities with other footballers-cum-musicians. Perhaps the one of the most notable is Neil Danns, who released his debut single, ‘Survive’, in March 2010. Although he has decided to concentrate on his career as a footballer, the fact that he has uploaded several tracks on his website, and completed a course in video editing and production at the London Academy, suggests that Danns could have plans of becoming a professional musician upon retirement.

Footballers seeing music as a long-term career goal, however, is becoming more prominent and is a natural development in how musicians make music. The most successful of these plans is Dion Dublin’s musical instrument, The Dube, which was commercially released in October 2010. Dublin first credited June 1975 as the first date in the history of his invention, which is a percussion instrument in the shape of a cube, and veteran musicians – such as Courtney Pine and Carl McGregor – are now using it.

The creative changes

But it is just not the business side of footballers making music that Gazza changed: its creative side also changed. Keegan’s ‘Head Over Heels In Love’ would not have sounded out-of-place on a David Cassidy or David Essex LP and, while Hoddle and Waddle’s had recorded their début single prior to it being snapped up by Record Shack, ‘Diamond Lights’ was undoubtedly influenced by the new romantic genre. Prior to Gazza’s recording career, not only were these records largely ad-hoc but there were also jumping on any old bandwagon to give it maximum exposure.

And, judging from ‘Fog on the Tyne (Revisted)’ and ‘Geordie Boys (Gazza Rap)’, this wasn’t going to change. This was mainly because it combined the emerging rap genre with the novelty genre that had been re-popularised by several artists; most notably, Timmy Mallet’s collaboration with Bombalurina – whose cover of ‘Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini’ reached the Number 1 spot in August 1990.

However, it was Gazza’s LP, ‘Let’s Have a Party’, that really changed how footballers recorded music. Although it contained both of his singles, the album also had four medleys – based on Elvis Presley, Mowtown, 1970s disco and Gilbert O’Sullivan – and a cover of The Beatles’ ‘All You Need is Love’ that featured Gazza’s sister, Kenny Lynch and Danny Baker. Essentially, on paper, it was Black Lace meets Jive Bunny & the Mastermixers. Again, the LP was based on Gazza’s persona and it appeared in interviews that he also had a large input in making of the album.

Although Q Magazine’s Tom Hibbert needed to explain the concept of ‘Desert Isand Discs’ to Gazza, the midfielder eventually said: “If you want me on your Desert Island Discs, it’s got to be lot of tracks off Elvis.” In addition, he told Lowe:

“I used to dance like [Elvis], well, try to anyway. When I was a young kid I used to dance and bop and all that. I used to really like it. That’s why I’ve got the Elvis medley on the LP. It’s going to be very good – it’s a 17 minute mix of Elvis songs, there’s never been one of them before.”

‘Let’s Have a Party’, unsurprisingly, failed to reach the UK Top 100 Album Charts and was largely mocked by critics, but it was perhaps the first record that allowed a footballer to experiment with their own musical tastes and indulgences. A current example is Danns’ brand of, what he calls, acoustic indie-urban music, and he has also written and produced several tracks. There has, subsequently, been a recent wave of footballers that have recently records, which could be classed as self-indulgent.

This, however, creates a dilemma: while it boosts their own ego and allows them creative freedom, it has the risk of alienating potential listeners and not being commercially viable. Ryan Babel and Clint Dempsey’s rap recordings, for instance, have either been ignored or ridiculed, while others have explored their own influences to release something that’s more meaningful.

Former Nigeria Under-23 international Emmanuel Babayaro is one such example. Although his first singles, ‘Nijar Area’ and ‘My Party’, displayed his narcissism to significant levels, his 2010 album ‘Best of Both Worlds’ was a fusion of jazz and hip-hop. It was also well-received in Nigeria, as the album had three official press launches that has attended by several Nigerian celebrities including Chief Rochas Okorocha and Daniel Amokachi.

Gazza’s music critics

Perhaps the most lasting and defining legacy of Gazza’s music career was the possible influence that its press coverage had Gazza himself. You could say that, during the period between Italia ’90 and the release of ‘Fog on the Tyne (Revisited)’ Gazza was a hero: the everyday man of working class Northern England.

And Gazza was generally well liked before Italia ’90 as Steve Sutherland, during an interview with Gazza in Melody Maker, wrote:

“Paul Gascoigne hasn’t had that much “bad stuff” to content with yet – not really that bad, crawl away in a dark hole and die stuff like Boy George had. The best bad stuff the press have come up with so far was some half-cocked story about witnessing the death of a childhood friend which, according to some hack, accounted for Gascoigne’s apparently weird psychological make-up. No one’s yet accused him of silencing his Rottweilers by cutting their vocal chords or saving up for a sex change.”

A backlash, inevitably, had to come from somewhere: the music press. Kylie Minogue was also suffering from a backlash at the same time, from magazines like Smash Hits, as readers and journalists criticised her sexualised image during the release of ‘Step Back in Time’. She won several “worst” awards in the 1990 and 1991 Smash Hits Poll Winners Party and her ‘Rhythm of Love’ LP just scraped into the UK Top 10 Album Charts. But, with Gazza, it was different: the coverage of ‘Fog on the Tyne’ from the music press could be considered as more vicious and, to a certain extent, cruel.

The scale of the coverage that ‘Fog on the Tyne’ got from various music magazines was probably the root of the problem. Both Smash Hits and Melody Maker featured Gazza on the front page of their editions in late October 1990. Even considering the extent of “Gazza-mania”, this could be considering as a surprise; Gazza was featured ahead of Pet Shop Boys, Northside and Ride on the Melody Maker’s front cover, and he was chosen ahead of features about Madonna and Jimmy Somerville’s greatest hits LPs on Smash Hits’ cover.

Having Gazza on the front covers would have undoubtedly sold many copies, but there was probably also pressure from BMG Records to include the footballer on these covers. Therefore, the standards of these magazines had to be compromised: they loathed ‘Fog on the Tyne (Revisited)’ but, at the same time, they needed to sell copies. To the Melody Maker’s credit, they conducted an intelligent interview with Gazza, mostly about his media image and struggle to settle in London, but Smash Hits and Q Magazine did not spare any punches.

A troubling indicator of Smash Hits’ interview with Gazza was on the front page, which had the caption: “Gazza! The Man! The Myth! The ‘Music’!!” And things didn’t get better during Lowe’s feature, as the most scathing remarking was “honestly, it’s the most tragic LP ever made”. Lowe and Hibbert also seemed intent on showing Gazza up, by making him look as stupid as possible, normally by accenting his quotes. Describing Gazza’s primary musical influences, for instance, Hibbert wrote:

“Yur. Gazza,” [Gazza] goes. “Hurr…” And [Gazza] starts to sing. “I’ve got a brand new combine harvester and I’ll give you the key… Dee deedle dee deedle dee. D’you remember it? It was really good. It was by the Wurzels, weren’t it? That’s right. And I love Elvis. I like Elvis. Jailhouse Rock. But I’ve just really got into GI Blues. He’s got you, you know, with GI Blues, like, he’s got…” And [Gazza] starts to sing again. “You ever you ever get you ever get one you ever get one of them days you ever get one of those days boys… I can’t remember the words. Dum-di-dum-di-dum. Two two. Er…”

Before these interviews, Gazza was reluctant to participate. According to Lowe, he was treated badly by a few newspapers and had also been wary of reports because “[Gazza] thinks they’re all out to finding something bad about him.” He added:

“And it’s a very different Gazza who warily sits down to answer a few questions from Smash Hits. Gone is the confident, life and soul of the party bravado, gone is the big “isn’t it all a laugh” grin. He sits and fidgets with the zipper of his tracksuit. He won’t look you in the eye. He flicks through a paper while he’s talking. He’s nervous and uncomfortable, but he answers the questions politely enough in his quickfire two-thousand-words-a-second Geordie babble.”

For someone who was showing signs of emotional frailness and wishing he had “got the police onto it”, regarding an author who, according to Gazza, “went round telling loads of lies and he’s writing a book about Paul Gascoigne”, Lowe and Hibbert’s interviews could be classed as tactless. ‘Fog on the Tyne (Revisited)’ may have been musically questionable but being mocked for not knowing what ‘Desert Island Discs’ was may have worsened his psychological state.

Tony Dorigo, for instance, told ghost-writer Robin McGibbon in his 1990 book ‘Gazza! A Biography’ of Gazza’s state of mind during the Italia ’90 semi-final. He added:

“Dave Beasant was the first to spot Gazza crying and told us to keep our eyes on him. Sure enough, his face was all serous, as he fought to get the ball, but then he would suddenly stop and start crying again. It was like an on and off switch. He was running around, trying to tackle and close players down. Once, he sprinted at Matthäus and we thought has was going to tackle him, but Matthäus dropped his shoulder and passed him. Gazza stood there, his face scrunched up, and he started crying again. At that point, all the boys were looking at each other laughing. Gazza would compose himself and try another tackle and when he missed that he would cry again. And we would laugh.”

Also, after Italia ’90, the strains of “Gazza-mania” were starting to show. During Tottenham Hotspur’s pre-season tour of Norway, the midfielder got booked and substituted within 30 minutes of the first match and, in a friendly against Hearts, he was booked within the first 12 minutes. On Monday 3 September 1990, Gazza’s business advisers, on the advice of Terry Venables, had cancelled six personal appearances and announced that they would not book any more appearances.

The former Italian football correspondent for Shoot and World Soccer, Jane Nottage, provided further light on the impact of Gazza’s records in her 1993 biography, ‘Paul Gascoigne: The Inside Story’. She wrote:

“One of the more controversial stunts was the recording of the Gazza LP, with hits ‘Fog on the Tyne’, an old Lindisfarne record that went to number [two] in the charts, and ‘Geordie Boys’, written by Mel Stein. Gazza suffered hell in the dressing room, and although used to give as good as he got, it was yet more pressure and it was all getting rather wearing for him.”

Less than a year later, he ruptured a crucial ligament when he recklessly fouled Gary Charles in the 1991 FA Cup final. And, during his time at Lazio and Glasgow Rangers in the early-to-late 1990s, he was involved in numerous controversies including telling Norway to “fuck off” prior to an England international match; his infamous flute incident towards Glasgow Celtic; and his escalating problems with mental health, alcohol addiction and weight-related issues.

The interviews with Lowe and Hibbert were not the cause of these problems but they did not help and may have escalated them even further; it’s no coincidence because they were exploiting a vulnerable man for a few laughs and cheap digs. His charity work for the Make-a-Wish Foundation, for instance, was largely ignored, while newspaper columns about his groin injuries and transfer links would’ve unsettled Gazza even more.

There may have been worse things written about Gascoigne since 1990 but – at the very best – the music press’ response to Gazza’s music career escalated a slowly emerging trend of bringing Gazza down at his career peak. It’s certainly a depressing legacy, beneath the surface, that’s for sure.

Sep

Welcome home, Ormondroyd’s Virtual Match Reports

By Obscure Music and Football Leave a Comment

Categories: Football
Tags: Ormondroyd's Virtual Match Reports, The Guardian

Remember that Walkers advert with Gary Lineker from the 1990s? Hang on, let me be a bit more specific. Remember that Walkers advert with Gary Lineker from the 1990s, which had Lineker walking through the streets of Leicester with ‘Welcome Home’ by Peters & Lee in the background? Yep, that one. For me – as someone who grew up with the likes of Jon Newsome, Bernard Lambourde, Pegguy Arphexad and Carl Leaburn – the return of Ormondroyd’s Virtual Match Reports represents Gary Lineker walking around Leicester for a crisp advert.

For those who haven’t heard of Ormondroyd’s Virtual Match Reports: every week, in the late 1990s and early 2000s, The Guardian’s website posted a satirical round-up of the weekend’s football via stick drawings and diagrams. It sounds simple, and it was simple, but that’s why it worked so well. The humour was dry and straight to the point and, even if its analysis was never in-depth, it painted a picture of the game, during that particular era.

Take the Ormondroyd’s Virtual Match Report of Sheffield Wednesday’s 1-0 victory over Chelsea in April 2000, for instance, where it said: “Chelsea press forward and come desperately close on several occasions. George Weah has a great chance after Kevin Pressman goes walkabout, but only manages to find the crossbar.” Fair enough you’d say, but the accompanying picture showed Pressman going to a pie shop on the touch-line proclaiming “all of them, please” – while Weah hits the bar, despite an open goal. Not only did it sum up Pressman’s weight problem in one picture, but it also summed up Weah’s loan spell at Chelsea as a great disappointment.

It didn’t go for the obvious stories or matches either; Steve Claridge’s gambling problem was mocked – as was Neville Southall’s brief spell at Bradford City and Barry Horne’s arrival at Sheffield Wednesday during Peter Shreeves’ tenure as caretaker manager. It shouldn’t be seen as a chirpy supplement to the likes of The Times and World Soccer, though; it can be classed as journalism in itself. It had the delayed-drop introductions (as seen in the ‘Farewell Steve Ogrizovic, Hello John Hartson’ report, with its first line “Chesterfield. 43,000 BC”), snappy endings, and basic facts and figures. It was, perhaps, unorthodox, but Ormondroyd’s Virtual Match Reports was, in essence, similar to a match report by Phil McNulty; it was just reported in a different way.

And that’s why it’s great to see it back. The Loaded-esque 90 Minutes has long since gone and been replicated in a mediocre and watered-down fashion via the likes of TalkSport Magazine and the Soccer AM television programme. With the exception of When Saturday Comes, good humour has become a rarity in sports journalism and the first Ormondroyd’s Virtual Match Report since 2003 still retains its bite and honesty. It is relatively unchanged, apart from its format where, instead of looking at football matches, it looks at recent events such as Joey Barton’s use of Twitter.

Whether this is a permanent fixture or not, it’s a positive change and will ensure that the series will remain fresh. But even if the game has changed since 2003, the format should not necessary reflect that. Stick images of a goal scored by Cédric Roussel or Robbie Blake and Stefan Schnoor missing a penalty for Derby County worked brilliantly in 2000, and the question should be whether it will work in 2011.

I suspect that – even if it wouldn’t quite be the same with Kevin Doyle and Clint Dempsey, due to the nostalgia factor – it would work just as well, if the wit remained intact. And, so far, it has and everything is looking rosy. But, whatever happens with the comeback, it’s better to have Ormondroyd’s Virtual Match Reports back, than to have none at all.

The first Ormondroyd’s Virtual Match Report since 2003 has been published on its Facebook page. The original series of Ormondroyd’s Virtual Match Reports is on The Guardian’s website.

Jun

The best quotes from ‘Lovejoy on Football’

By Obscure Music and Football 15 Comments

Categories: Books, Football and Satire
Tags: Lovejoy on Football, Soccer AM, Tim Lovejoy

Tim Lovejoy, personally, represents everything that is wrong with football. You know: the glory hunting, the Diadora trainers, shouting ‘Taxi’ when anyone misses a sitter and wearing a Ramones T-shirt despite never owning an album by the aforementioned band. The last point may have less to do with football than the others, but it showed Lovejoy for what he is: a smug imbecile who will jump on any bandwagon and laugh in your face if you were Ray Parlour or wearing a Cheltenham Town shirt.

And his book, ‘Lovejoy on Football’ (2007; Arrow Books), displays that attitude perfectly. From his rants about how football should be taken away from the ‘fanatics’ and given back to the public to dedicating an entire chapter on his sexist views, nothing else has shown Lovejoy’s character better. In essence, he simultaneously has the character traits of two certain ‘Top Gear’ presenters: by expressing “outrageously politically incorrect opinions” and being a “horrible weasel kid at school hanging around with the bullies, laughing at their jokes, in the hope they won’t pick on him”.

To celebrate this monstrosity of an ego, here’s 30 of the most insane quotes from his book – whittled down from around ten dozen. If it provides a decent chuckle, the book may have some slight justification. And, if it doesn’t, at least his grammar is pretty decent.

30.

“I have since decided that Jamie Theakston is, in all probability, the greatest goalkeeper in the history of the game” (p.172).

It’s nice to see that celebrity football tournaments are eligible in these sort of lists.

29.

“The crowd must abuse anyone who walks on the pitch who isn’t a player, unless they are a former player/legend in which case they must be absolutely applauded” (p.140).

This is one of Lovejoy’s many uses the word ‘absolutely’ in the book.

28.

“If Topman can bring out as many t-shirts as they want, then why can’t football teams? If they don’t sell them, that’s their problem isn’t it?” (p.256).

Lovejoy offers his thoughts on economics and football shirts.

27.

“Let me start with a confession. I have always thought that women and football was, inherently, a bad combination” (p.110).

Richard Keys and Andy Gray would be proud of Lovejoy’s unsubtle sexism.

26.

“Serge has definitely got something and I have nothing but respect for the bloke, even if Noel Gallagher reckons that he is now more famous for that moment than he is for his music. This is probably true. Again, the power of telly” (p.123).

Lovejoy on what he thinks Sergio Kasabian’s Pizzorno is famous for: kicking a football in a carpark on ‘Soccer AM’.

25.

“The lower down the league structure you go, the longer the throw-ins must be. In the Premiership, for instance, throw-ins never tend to be any longer than two yards, three at most, and usually consist of one player throwing the ball to a team-mate who then cushions a volley back to the thrower. They start getting longer in the Championship, and by the time you reach League Two the throw-ins are just missiles launched from wherever into the opposition penalty area” (p. 141).

Lovejoy talks about what throw-ins were like when Rory Delap was still playing in Championship.

24.

“Why are coaches only allowed within the confines of that tiny little box? As far as I’m concerned, managers should be allowed to go wherever they want; right along the touchline, behind the goals, even on the pitch if they really need to” (p.42).

I can see that Lovejoy is a fan of player-managers.

23.

“When I started writing the book, though, I secretly worried that I was a rubbish football fan. If anything now I think I may well be the BIGGEST FAN IN THE WORLD” (p.268).

The ego, with added capitals, has landed.

22.

“I always advise girlfriends of mine, when they’re looking for potential problems, to make sure they ask the man what football team he supports. It’s irrelevant who they do support, but if they are into football in any small way, it’s a starting place for realising they’re halfway normal, and you have a decent chance of a relationship” (p.20).

Timothy P Lovejoy: an expert agony uncle.

21.

“As a football fan, it is your duty to hate the most successful team of the moment” (p.96).

Okay. *takes a step back*

20.

“The great thing about supporting England is that it gives supporters of smaller clubs a taste of the big time” (p.216).

Lovejoy used Hull City as an example for this. The irony of this is most amusing.

19.

“I remember one England game against Andorra when our goalkeeper Paul Robinson must have touched the ball once in the entire 90 minutes. The following day, one paper gave him 7 out of 10 while another gave him 6. How does that work? Surely he should have got 10 out of 10 on the basis that everything he did was executed perfectly and England didn’t concede any goals? What was he expected to do? Come out of his goal and score a hat-trick?” (p.45)

Somehow, I get the feeling that this man doesn’t quite get the idea of player ratings.

18.

“But I must admit that in the early days of Soccer AM we all used to watch women’s football and just absolutely wet ourselves. It was hysterical. Pure belly-laugh comedy” (p.111).

Here’s some more sexism from Lovejoy.

17.

“Going to football is not just about watching the action, it’s also about making sure you’re dressed right” (p.29).

Some words of wisdom about football culture, here.

16.

“About half way through that first year at Soccer AM I realised that a) it was virtually impossible for me to carry on playing, and b) it may be more advantageous for me and the show if I started going to Stamford Bridge to watch Chelsea again. Purely for professional reasons, of course” (p.146).

Lovejoy talks about his hiatus from Stamford Bridge.

15.

“Any haircut seen in the Premier League will still be widely visible in League One two seasons later, when it’s no longer fashionable” (p.142).

I, somehow, get the feeling that Lovejoy is not a huge admirer of the Football League.

14.

“As a kid you’re always led to believe that if you’re going to make it as a professional you have to be truly gifted and stand out from the crowd but that night, as we drove home after a few beers (we got a lift home), me and Fenners agreed that there was absolutely no reason why we shouldn’t have been professional footballers” (p.230).

Lovejoy talks about training with Torquay United for a day.

13.

“But it’s not called the beautiful game for nothing. Is there anything more breathtaking than watching a player like Barcelona’s Lionel Messi dance through the Getafe defence? For the millions of people who watched that clip on YouTube, it’s like a religious experience” (p.11).

Lovejoy discusses what football means to the masses.

12.

“I remember as a kid being on the terraces at Vicarage Road and hearing people shout Lenny Henry’s catchphrase from Tiswas, ‘Oooooooh-kaaaaaaay!’ Many years later I like to think Soccer AM was the show that put the catchphrases in the stand” (p.66).

Lovejoy dreams about the possible legacy of ‘Soccer AM’.

11.

“If you’ve ever watched a women’s game you’ll know that women goalies simply cannot jump. I have no idea why that may be the case, but they are absolutely hopeless. I said this once to one of the goalies at Charlton’s ladies side and I thought she was going to punch my lights out. But it’s true, if you aim for the top right hand corner or top left hand corner in a women’s game, you will always score. They can’t take goal kicks either. You watch. They’ll always get the centre-half to trot back and take it for them, just so the ball will actually leave the penalty area.” (p.111).

And here’s even more sexism from everyone’s favourite broadcaster.

10.

“I do still go to the occasional Chelsea away fixture but only if it involves going on a plane to somewhere exotic to watch them in the latter stages of the Champions’ League, like Rome, Monaco or Barcelona. If you’re going to do it, you may as well make the most of it” (p.25).

Lovejoy on what it is like to be a Chelsea fan in 2007.

“A couple of days after my contract ran out, I received a letter from Sky, informing me that my free Sky subscription would now be turned off as I was no longer an employee of the company. Some people get a carriage clock or some flowers then they leave a job they’ve been in for ages. Loyal football players get a testimonial. I got my Sky cancelled” (p.68).

I wonder what Lovejoy would have expected after 20 years of service at Sky?

“The sad thing about being a Chelsea fan is that we don’t really have a derby game to enjoy each season. Perhaps the closest we have, or rather had, was whenever we played Leeds United” (p.243).

It shouldn’t be a surprise that Tim Lovejoy does not have a degree in Geography.

“In fact this book got great reviews from everyone apart from a couple of football magazines who trade on the old fashioned ‘real fan’ ideals. However, these magazines don’t sell enough copies to fill Spotland (Rochdale’s stadium) so it doesn’t matter what they think” (p.5).

He seems bitter about a certain magazine’s infamous book review.

“Just as I was walking round the corner, though, there was this almighty explosion. It was pandemonium. People were crying and screaming and, suddenly, all you could hear was police sirens. When I go to Knightsbridge tube station, a policeman told me they’d closed it and all I could say was, ‘But I’ve got to get to Chelsea!’ Everyone around was in this blind panic. I was completely oblivious to the fact that an IRA car bomb had just killed six people and injured countless others. All I could think that I’d arranged to meet my friends in the pub and I was going to miss them” (p.31).

He’s a sensitive lad, isn’t he?

“If I was a footballer I’d definitely want to be Robbie Savage” (p.76).

You can see the logic behind this, can’t you?

“As a football fan you have to know the order of your silverware. When you’re challenging for honours on four fronts, like Chelsea, you often find yourself pondering which of the trophies you would rather win at the expense of others. For me, there is a clear pecking order in the importance of the trophies you would want your club to win and, unless you’re a modern day Liverpool fan who only cares about the Champions’ League, it goes something like this…

1. The Premiership
2. The Champions’ League
3. The FA Cup
4. The UEFA Cup
5. The Carling Cup
6. The Championship
7. League Two
8. League Three
9. LDV/Johnstone’s Paint/Autowindshields/screens (whatever it’s called that season)
10. The Rugby World Cup” (p.91)

Ah, the old trick of not knowing the names of the different leagues in English football occurs here.

“Whose idea was it to have 22 mascots being led out by the teams, instead of just the one lucky lad that it’s always been and why has no one ever questioned it? Now at the start of any big game, there’s a mascot for each and every player, which, by my reckoning, means that once you’ve included the four match officials and the TV crew there are well over 50 people waiting in the tunnel. Do we really believe this is helping to kick racism out of football?” (p.37).

He is already starting to lose the plot on page 37.

“I had many happy days watching Watford. I would play football for the school in the morning, and me and my brother would talk the tube or the bus to the ground, and we progressed from the Shrodells into watching football on the terraces, and I even bought a replica Watford shirt. I actually celebrated Watford’s promotion one year by going fully-clothed in the pond at the top of the high street with a thousand other Watford fans. My brother and me missed the last bus, and had to walk home thoroughly wet, trying to think up excuses for our mum as to why our Doc Martens were soaked through. Having been to games at Fourth Division Watford, watching players like Ross Jenkins and Kenny Jackett, the time had come to go to Stamford Bridge and watch my first love, Chelsea. It was like another world” (p.22).

The transition in becoming a First Division supporter, from a Fourth Division supporter, is discussed in great detail.

“The way I see it football is more important than politics too. After all, can you show me anything else that has so much power over the people of the world? It’s also a stereotype, but also true, that football unites people. Recently Iraqis celebrated winning the Asian Cup – and people normally at each other’s throats were out celebrating in the streets together. You want more proof? Ok, how many member states are there in the United Nations? I’ll tell you. There’s 192. Now, how many countries do you think tried to qualify for the last world cup? I’ll tell you again – 198. It’s an amazing statistic and one that, arguably, makes the FIFA President Sepp Blater, and not Dubya, the most powerful man on the planet” (p.15).

Blimey. Just blimey. The man is clearly an idiot of the highest order.

Apr

Roy of the Rovers predicts the future of football

By Obscure Music and Football Leave a Comment

Categories: Football and Satire
Tags: Roy of the Rovers

Predicting the future of football is, sometimes, a hard task. Some predictions have been correct and others have been wrong, but one comes from an unlikely source. Whilst the “Glo-Ball Report… Date: 2092” feature in the ‘Roy of the Rovers Yearbook 1993′ may have been a light-hearted joke in 1992 but, in a sport where marketing and money has become more important, it is far more relevant in 2011.

1. “In the qualifying rounds for the 2094 World Cup Finals, Great Britain have been drawn against the Middle East, Central Russia, the Western United States, and Oceania. The British team are co-favourites to repeat their World success in 2070 and 2082, along with defending world champions – North-East China.”

2. “In the tenth year of the World League of Soccer, the North London Aces (formerly Tottenham Hotspur, Arsenal and Barnet) lift the world trophy, having beaten the California Cruisers in the last game – thanks to a hat-trick by Geoff Lineker.”

3. Tokyo Bullets, Berlin Bulls and Cape Town Crush are the three teams who are relegated from the World League of Soccer in 2092. The other competing teams are: Roman Raiders, Melchester Rovers, Nairobi Rhinos, Moscow Machine, Brasilia Forest and Mexico City Saints.

4. Great Britain won their second European Championship in a row after beating Iberia (formerly Spain and Portugal) in the final, at the 200,000 seater “Race Mega-Stadium” in Manchester.

5. “Royce [Race] has attracted a number of lucrative transfer offers from overseas club, most notably a quarter of a billion pluton bid from an unidentified Far Eastern source.”

6. “2093 sees the promotion of the three teams – Hong Kong Heat, Arabian Knights and South Pole Bears (whose home will be the temperature-controlled Ice Pavilion – five miles north of the South Pole!)”

7. “Next season, will herald the first ever Moon Shield – played under the Tranquillity Dome on the moon’s surface. The North London Aces (World League champions) will face Melchester Rovers (World League Cup champions) in this historic heavenly match-up. This game will pave the way for the introduction to the World League of the Lunar City Rockets, in 2095 – just twenty years after the initial colonisation of the moon’s surface.”

8. Rule changes include: “a ball cannot be kicked across the middle third – without being touched by a player” and “teams can only have a maximum of nine players in their defensive third”. Another rule change is “any foul by a defensive player in his own third results in an automatic five minutes in the sin-bin”.

9. Further rule changes include: “the pitch is divided into thirds and the game into quarters of an hour, with the clock stopping when the ball goes out of play” and “players can only be offside in the opposition’s third of the field”.

10. Other rule changes include: “penalty areas are now rounded with a radius of 20 meters” and “short corners are taken from the intersection of the penalty area and the goal-line”.

Is there a chance that space could become a marketing tool for football? Will Tottenham Hotspur, Aresenal and Barnet join forces to become one unbeatable team? Could there really be a World League of Soccer and a 200,000-seater stadium in Manchester named after Roy Race? Could short corners and a sin-bin really be introduced?

It may or may not happen but, considering that the yearbook’s predictions seems less exaggerated now than it did in late 1992, there may be a small chance that football could really become like this in 2092.

Mar

The best quotes from Steve Claridge’s ‘Beyond the Boot Camps’

By Obscure Music and Football 3 Comments

Categories: Books and Football
Tags: Beyond the Boot Camps, Ian Ridley, Millwall, Portsmouth, Steve Claridge, The Football League Show, Weymouth

Admit it, you don’t like Steve Claridge. It’s okay, everyone gets a little bit frustrated when you listen to the former Portsmouth and Leicester City striker waffling on about nothing during ‘The Football League Show’. Claridge was not a bad player, but his over-earnest approach to punditry is annoying. He makes Garth Crooks look like Robbie Savage and his tendency to emphasis every point with such force is embarrassing. He seems to think that he is Pele of punditry and his inflated opinion of himself does not stop there.

Anyone who has read his two autobiographies will know that Claridge is a man who thinks of himself very highly and has the arrogance to match. ‘Beyond the Boot Camps’ by Steve Claridge with Ian Ridley takes this narcissism to new levels but, thankfully, it also provides some classic quotes. The best 25 quotes, in reverse order, are revealed below. Hopefully you can have a good chortle at them.

25.

“By then I wasn’t your normal 34-year-old player looking to squeeze the last drop out of his career, I was fanatically fit and knew I could play until I was 40” (p.26).

Claridge on being offered the Portsmouth player-manager job in 2000.

24.

“I don’t really have any hobbies, since football has been both my job and my hobby” (p. 278).

Claridge talks about life outside football.

23.

“Looking back, I can understand now why Pulis played them together, because they were a strong, powerful pair and that was his style and a sign of how he wanted the team to play. Back then, though, I had trouble gasping how the best striker in the club was being left out” (p.22).

Claridge talks about Tony Pulis preferring to play Lee Mills and Lee Bradbury up-front, at Portsmouth, instead of him.

22.

“I had only rarely needed agents, and only then to sound out clubs for me, and had no need of one now. I knew how to draw up a contract” (p.32).

Claridge on the irony of not needing an agent.

21.

“He liked all the stuff about cones and bibs; making sure the team bus was on time and players’ meals sorted. I liked to think about teams, patterns and shapes and preferred to leave all that stuff to someone else. Guy was also a nice bloke, whereas I have an edge to me, so thought he would be a good foil for me on the bad-cop, good-cop principle of managers and their assistants” (p.29).

Claridge remarks on Guy Whittingham’s credentials as a player-assistant manager.

20.

“It was another place to add to the list of those who were now hiring me as a firefighter. I should have been travelling round the country in a red engine with a bell ringing” (p. 223).

Claridge talks about his final days as a professional footballer, this time at Paul Merson’s Walsall.

19.

“It was a point proven all round, both to Pulis and McGhee, not that either of them said anything to me” (p.23).

Claridge has the last laugh after scoring for Portsmouth in their 3-1 victory over Wolves.

18.

“He was an honest lad, who would later go through the pain barrier for me when he probably wouldn’t have done for other managers” (p.30).

Claridge on Ceri Hughes.

17.

“My first game was at home to Sheffield Wednesday and, naturally, I picked myself” (p.32).

Claridge discusses his first match as Portsmouth’s player-manager.

16.

“Also, I had the courtesy to brush my teeth that day and I’m not sure he did” (p. 130).

Claridge discusses the personal hygiene of footballers at Lewes FC.

15.

“I had just bought an £80 Boss T-shirt that went missing after training, which annoyed me. The next week, Pethick turned up for his lift down to training wearing it and spun some story about where he got it. When I told him it was mine he seemed surprised, but said I could have it back after training. I wasn’t having that. I had it straight off his back and made him travel down to Weymouth naked from the waist up” (p. 132).

Claridge talks about a spat with Robbie Pethwick, during his managerial spell at Weymouth.

14.

“Things got so bad that I had to put Guy Whittingham on the bench against Wimbledon on Boxing Day. Fortunately we got away with a 1-1 draw in which I scored. Guy also came on, and I challenge anyone to find another example at such a high level of both a manager and his assistant being in a squad together, let alone on the filed at the same time” (p.44).

Claridge discusses his managerial legacy.

13.

“They had interviewed the other bloke but now wanted to offer me the job. Thank God for that, I thought, I’ll get my air fare back now” (p. 180).

Claridge’s reaction to be offered the job as Millwall’s manager.

12.

“Havant – who would later be tagged with all that romance-of-the-Cup stuff some seasons later when they went to Liverpool – were not in reality a particularly friendly or welcoming club and I had recently been refused access to their boardroom for a half-time cup of tea when scouting a player because I was wearing black jeans. And all this despite the fact that we had let one of their scouts into our boardroom pre-season who was wearing shorts” (p. 123-124).

Alan Partridge, erm I mean Steve Claridge, talks about wearing jeans and shorts during football matches.

11.

“When you are a player, you can indulge your personality, as I had done in acquiring that reputation as mine as a character” (p.39).

Claridge discusses his personality.

10.

“Most players put together an autobiography as they come to the end of their career – if they are interesting enough for people to want to read about them, that is. Rarely do they have a second volume in them. Steve Claridge, however, is not most players. The evidence comes in the form of one of the most vivid and varied of footballing lives, on and off the field” (p.3).

The book’s first line.

“Anyone who would later go on that BBC show Dragon’s Den and who wanted to get the better of Theo should have contacted me first to know how to deal with him – financially at least” (p.66).

Claridge boasts about his financial acumen.

“For me it is quite simple. In the end, I am right and he is wrong” (p. 248).

Claridge on the acclaimed football journalist Gabriele Marcotti.

“Steve’s management style was the one and only thing that let him down in his time at Weymouth,” Waldock believes. “To say his style was brutal would be an understatement. The Alex Ferguson hairdyer would be described as a subtle breeze in comparison with some of Steve’s post-match debriefs” (p. 104).

Former Weymouth captain John Waldock on Claridge’s spell as Weymouth’s player-manager.

“To be honest, I don’t think there are many who do know more than me” (p. 253-254).

Steve Claridge on Steve Claridge.

“Steve is a maverick who rewards someone who allows him to get on and do the job by delivering results. He has that spark and touch of ingenuity that requires the indulgence the talented need. In return, he brings a liveliness and vibrancy to the place and to your existence” (p. 242).

Co-author Ian Ridley on what Claridge is really like.

“As I spoke with Theo over the next day or two during discussions about my pay-off, he went over the old ground and said he was hearing more and more about how poor-pre season training had been. I reminded him that this was Steve Claridge, who was one of the fittest footballers around and who expected his players to be as well. Some of them had said it had been the hardest pre-season they had known” (p. 200).

Claridge explains why he should not have been sacked as the manager of Millwall.

“Actually, I think I get too technical at times because I am very into the tactics and strategy of the game, which you need to be as an expert summariser, both on radio and TV. I like to explain why certain formations work for certain teams, why this player is good in such a role, what his strengths and weaknesses are. I think what people like, or at least they say to me they do, is that when I say something, I give an explanation for it. If something is wrong, I say why. People also like a bit of humour, a bit of lightness amid the lesson if you like, and I think I can deliver that” (p.253).

Claridge talks about why he thinks he is a good football pundit.

“Was someone inside the club acting as his “mole” to get stuff against me?” (p. 192).

Claridge talks about why he was sacked by Millwall.

“Steve has always insisted that it was him who made Emile Heskey look so good and that it was him who got Heskey his £11 million pound move to Liverpool from Leicester” (p.60).

Steve Claridge: footballer, broadcaster, the man behind Emile Heskey’s successful career.

Feb

Blast from the past: Sheffield Wednesday 0 – 1 Birmingham City (26/12/2001)

By Obscure Music and Football 1 Comment

Categories: Football and Sheffield Wednesday
Tags: Birmingham City, Hillsborough, Peter Shreeves, Sheffield Wednesday, St Andrews, Steve Bruce, Terry Yorath, The Blues, The Owls, Trevor Francis

Birmingham City and Sheffield Wednesday are both preparing for Saturday’s fifth round FA Cup tie at St Andrews, with both sides facing contrasting fortunes. City have established themselves as a respected Premier League outfit and the Blues are also facing Arsenal in the League Cup final next weekend. Sheffield Wednesday, however, are in the middle of a disappointing season where mid-table mediocrity seems certain, despite the recent managerial appointment of Gary Megson.

Both teams also started the 2001-2002 Nationwide Division One season with contrasting expectations. Expectations were high at St Andrews, for instance, with manager Trevor Francis being expecting to deliver promotion for the Midlands outfit. They had suffered three consecutive play-off semi-final defeats, under Francis, and an appearance in the 2001 League Cup final only heightened expectations. Franics made changes to the squad, but these were minimal. Right-back Jon Bass was released, whilst highly-rated Huddersfield Town goalkeeper Nico Vaesen and experienced Watford forward Tommy Mooney both joined the Blues during the summer.

Different starts

Francis’ side started well, despite an 3-1 opening day defeat at the hands of Wimbledon. They won their next four matches against Millwall, Walsall, Sheffield Wednesday and Stockport County but a 3-0 defeat by Manchester City in September signalled the beginning of the end for Francis. They failed to win their next five games, which included an embarrassing 6-0 defeat at Manchester City in the League Cup, and Francis was sacked in October. This was despite winning his final match in charge, a 3-1 win against Barnsley. It was suggested by some that disagreements with managing director Karen Brady was behind Francis’ sacking, as the Blues were only five points adrift from third place despite the poor run of results.

Sheffield Wednesday also made a disappointing start to the season, despite the lower expectations at Hillsborough. Peter Shreeves was retained as manager, after last season’s impressive run of eight wins in 14 matches to drive the Owls clear of relegation trouble. A relegation battle was still seen as a possibility – despite the permanent signings of former Wimbledon striker Efan Ekoku, centre-back Danny Maddix from QPR and promising midfielder Paul McLaren from Luton Town – after the release of high-earners Wim Jonk, Gilles de Bilde, Richie Humphries and Petter Rudi.

The season started badly at Hillsborough with a 2-0 home defeat to Burnley on the first day of the season, and things got progressively worse as they only won one of their first 13 league games, which included a 11 match winless run. The only saving grace for Shreeves was an impressive 4-2 victory over Premier League outfit Sunderland in the League Cup, which saw a wonder goal from Italian forward Michele Di Piedi. Shreeves, like Francis, left his managerial position in October, just two days after Francis’ departure from Birmingham City.

Changes are made

When the two sides met in December 2001, they both had appointed new managers. The Owls had immediately replaced Shreeves with assistant manager Terry Yorath, which had an immediate response as he won his first two matches in charge against Barnsley and Walsall. The club’s form, however, was very inconsistent – despite a 5-0 thrashing over rock-bottom club Stockport County and an excellent 4-0 home win against Watford – so the Owls were still struggling in the league.

It took longer for Birmingham City to appoint their new manager, after Division One high-flyers Crystal Palace placed a temporary injunction on manager Steve Bruce, which would have forced him to serve a nine-month leaving notice, to prevent him from leaving Selhurst Park. Bruce still joined St Andrews as their manager in December, despite the Eagles’ best efforts to stop him joining their promotion rivals.

The match

The Boxing Day clash was only Bruce’s third game in charge, which started well for the Blues after Stan Lazaridis’ 25-yard shot just went over the bar after just 90 seconds into the game. The home side still dominated the game after this, as Kevin Pressman had to save Curtis Woodhouse’s early shot on goal and Mooney’s long-range effort went wide of goal.

The Owls were still competitive in the early stages of the match, though, when Maddix headed Gerald Sibon’s free-kick and goalkeeper Ian Bennett was forced to make a superb save. Left-back Martin Grainger also had to be at his best to clear the ball away from danger. Ekoku also had a chance to put Wednesday in front, after being set up by Simon Donnelly, but Darren Purse exerted enough pressure for Ekoku to shoot wide.

The away side applied further pressure throughout the second-half, after Jon McCarthy volleyed a short-range shot over after Lazaridis’ cross. Bennett made another impressive save from Gerald Sibon, whilst Steve Haslam and Ekoku were just as wasteful in front of goal for the Owls.

Birmingham City then went on the counter-attack, after Bennett saved an effort from Haslam, when Mooney flicked the ball on for Horsfield, who raced into the box and cut inside two defenders before slotting the ball past Pressman to give Blues the lead. Trond Egil Soltvedt, meanwhile, had three chances to equalise for the Owls but was thwarted by a resilient defence and an in-form Bennett, who did well to save his chipped shot. Mooney should have doubled the Blues’ lead during injury time but, despite his volley from 20-yards going just one yard wide from goal, the one goal was enough to secure Birmingham a valuable three points.

The rest of the season

Steve Bruce had already made his mark as manager, before this game, by signing Irish right-back Jeff Kenna from Blackburn Rovers and he improved the squad over the coming months with the signings of Stern John from Nottingham Forest, Sheffield United’s Paul Devlin, Celtic’s Oliver Tebily, Steve Vickers from Middlesbrough and Blackburn Rovers’ Damien Johnson. Marcelo, David Burrows and Martyn O’Connor, however, left the club to reduce an ever-increasing wage-bill.

These signings were valuable for Birmingham as, in March, the club went on 13 match unbeaten-run to gain promotion via the play-offs. The club defeated Millwall 2-1 on aggregate during the play-offs semi-finals and they defeated Norwich City in the final on penalties, after a 1-1 draw. The Blues only lost four of Bruce’s first 26 league games in charge and they carried on that fine form in the Premier League, as they finished the 2002-2003 season in a comfortable 13th place.

Wednesday, however, struggled for the rest of the season, despite the million-pound singing of Finnish striker Shefki Kuqi from Stockport County. Burrows also joined the club after Yorath’s arrival, as well as Blackburn Rovers centre-back Marlon Broomes and experienced Scottish forward Kevin Gallacher from Preston North End. They only won three of their last 11 league games, despite an outstanding run to the League Cup semi-final, as they found themselves just one place from the relegation zone on the final day of the season.

For Sheffield Wednesday to be relegated, though, they had to lose against Wolverhampton Wanderers and Crewe Alexander had to defeat fellow strugglers Rotherham United by at least ten goals. This never happened, as the Owls secured a 2-2 draw, despite Crewe’s 2-0 win. The Owls finished the 2001-2002 season in 20th place and just one point above the drop-zone.

The next season, however, was even more disappointing as Yorath left the club in October 2002, after winning only one of his last nine league games in charge. The club were relegated from Division One at the end of the 2002-2003 season, despite Chris Turner’s arrival as manager, and the two club’s contrasting fortunes remain to this day.

Sheffield Wednesday 0 – 1 Birmingham City scorer (26/12/2001)
Geoff Horsfield (77)

Line-ups:
Sheffield Wednesday (4-4-2): Pressman, Westwood, Broomes, Maddix, Geary, Donnelly (McLaren, 56), Soltvedt, Haslam, Djordjic (Bovin, 68), Sibon, Ekoku (Crane, 83)

Substitutes not used: Stringer, Harkness.

Birmingham City (4-4-2): Bennett, Kenna, Purse, Vickers, Grainger, McCarthy (Johnson, 71), O’Connor, Woodhouse, Lazaridis (Hughes, 51), Horsfield, Mooney

Substitutes not used: Vaesen, Marcelo, Burrows.

Attendance at Hillsborough: 24,335
Referee: Jeff Winter (Middlesbrough)

Dec

Book review: ‘Unofficial Football World Champions’ by Paul Brown

By Obscure Music and Football 2 Comments

Categories: Books and Football
Tags: Paul Brown, Scotland, Superelastic, Unofficial Football World Champions, Unofficial Football World Championship

Paul Brown's new book, 'Unofficial Football World Champions', covers almost 140 years of international football.

The best international side in the world is Scotland. You may scoff at this particular statement, and suggest that such a thing would only happen when the Super Furry Animals play ‘Actua Soccer 2’, but it’s actually true. Unofficially, though.

Let me explain. The Unofficial Football World Championships was created by freelance journalist and author Paul Brown to discover who is, unofficially, the best team in the world. This was because the World Cup is held every four years, which skews the view of who is the best international team, and the need to appreciate the historic roots of football. The first World Cup was held nearly 60 years after the birth of international football, after all.

The Unofficial Football World Champions, therefore, utilises a simple boxing-style title system where the winners of title matches win one point – as well as becoming temporary title holders – and move up the overall rankings. Scotland have accumulated the most points, since the very first international match between England and Scotland on 30 November 1872, making them the overall Unofficial Football World Champions.

After nearly 140 years of international football, 838 title matches and 47 title holders; doing a blog post on it would not do to the system justice. Therefore, it made sense for Brown to release a book about it – ‘Unofficial Football World Champions’ (2011; Superelastic) – to provide a guide about the system and the history of international football.

Instead of talking about how the system was formed, Brown sensibly goes down the alternate road of providing over 100 match reports on the title matches that have been played – which forms the large proportion of the book. These match reports are brief – none of them last more than two pages – but they are detailed enough to be informed on what actually happened, as well as the historic purposes of the matches.

Brown also includes lots of entertaining facts about the matches, such as the original colour of England and Scotland’s kit in their first meeting and England playing a 1-2-7 formation in that very match, which helps to bring the action to life. These little nuggets of trivia are also exceptionally entertaining and will keep you engrossed for hours upon end. Quirky tales about Cambridge University forward and lawyer Tinsley Lindley’s goal against Scotland in 1888, Ireland’s eight-fingered goalkeeper James Lewis saving a penalty and conceding 13 in one match, and a naked William “Fatty” Foulke chasing a referee into a broom cupboard are particular highlights.

The book’s content is also structured and paced well enough, for Brown’s fine writing to remain fluent and organised throughout. Brown’s substantial research, which is a remarkable feat considering the level of detail that has gone into describing matches from over 100 years ago, also makes you appreciate how the game developed in a new and previously misunderstood way.

No detail is spared in the book; whether it is discussing the first international match after the First World War, Sweden’s greatest goal-scoring achievement over Norway, Nils Liedholm’s classic goal against Brazil in 1958 World Cup Final or Ian Rush’s famous winner against Italy in 1988. Even the more obvious inclusions – such as the 1974 World Cup Final, and Newcastle United and Luton Town legend Malcolm McDonald’s five goals against Cyprus in 1975 – are covered with great flair, humour and originality.

Brown also offers lots of nice touches in the book. The inclusion of quotes from newspapers such as The Scotsman and in-depth profiles of various teams, events and players – including the Faroe Islands national side, Steve Bloomer, Gabriel Batistuta and the 1902 Ibrox Disaster – adds a different angle and some variety to the book.

It is fair to say, though, that ‘Unofficial Football World Champions’ gives a lot more of its coverage to the pre-Premier League era of football. Jonathan Wilson’s seminal book ‘Inverting the Pyramid: The History of Football Tactics’ (2008; Orion Books) also did the same. The coverage of how tactics influenced the modern game, in Wilson’s book, ended up feeling like an afterthought as a consequence; a minor criticism of an otherwise flawless book.

It made more sense, though, for Brown to cover the pre-war period of football in such detail. It allows him, for instance, to display his encyclopaedic knowledge of football and to also cover a topic that more mainstream publishers have shied away from in the past. To Superelastic and Brown’s credit, even the most obscure modern international matches are covered from Zimbabwe’s 2-0 defeat of Angola in a 2005 World Cup Qualifier to Uruguay’s 2-0 loss to Georgia in a 2006 friendly.

Brown has also ensured that the book is impressively up-to-date, as it even manages to cover Japan’s 1-0 victory over Argentina in October. The book also manages to include every Unofficial Football World Championship match result, its all-time leading goalscorers and the overall ranking table to give it a feeling of completeness.

Brown may describe his system as a bit of fun, but the book delivers so much more. Not only does ‘Unofficial Football World Champions’ present a version of how the game historically developed in an informative and entertaining fashion, it is one of the most well researched and written football books to be released in recent years. No ranking system is required to confirm that this essential and fascinating book won’t be bettered for a long time. And that is official.

‘Unofficial Football World Champions’ by Paul Brown is now available for purchase on websites like Amazon, and I strongly urge you to purchase this fantastic book. There is also a very comprehensive ‘Unofficial Football World Championship’ website.

You can also follow the book’s author Paul Brown on Twitter – @realpaulbrown – and you can visit his website ‘Stuff by Paul Brown‘.

Oct

Dion Dublin is ‘The Dube’

By Obscure Music and Football 1 Comment

Categories: Business, Football and Music
Tags: Aston Villa, Be That Way, Cambridge United, Celtic, Coventry City, Dion Dublin, Invention, Leicester City, Manchester United, Musical instrument, Norwich City, Percussion, The Dube, The Establishment

Let’s face it, we usually moan when footballers enter the music industry. Whether it is Neil Danns or Glenn Hoddle, they’re lazy and cynical cash-ins with little imagination. But Dion Dublin is different. After spending several years developing the product, Dublin has recently released his new musical invention called ‘The Dube‘. This cleverly named product is a slickly designed percussion instrument, in the shape of a cube, that also comes with a range of straps and display stands. It may look very simple at first but, not only is it far more innovative than it first looks, it’s one of the most fascinating instruments you will ever see.

Although Dublin first came up with the idea of inventing a musical instrument whilst playing for Leicester City in April 2005, and made his first prototype during his spell at Norwich City in November 2006, the inspiration for ‘The Dube’ came far earlier. Dublin credits June 1975 as the first date in the history of the instrument. This was when, as a young child, he tried to make rhythms by tapping on whatever item or surface he could find. Considering that ‘The Dube’ does exactly that, selling the product to schools is a perfect idea.

Whilst Dublin sees that selling ‘The Dube’ to schools will help children to learn “musical elements such as rhythm and timing” and to facilitate team-building activities, it can achieve far more. It looks like being an instrument that’s perfect for stimulating young children, for example, and as any sound can be achieved, it could also foster creativity and experimentation.

The good thing about ‘The Dube’ as an instrument is that it’s not as limited as the tambourine, nor is it as hard to learn as the recorder – an instrument that may spoil a child’s love of music, if they struggle to get to grips with it. It screams accessibility and it could unify all students, no matter how educationally advanced they are. Anything that can improve communication skills, simply by tapping a cube has to be commended.

However, ‘The Dube’ is not just an educational tool. It also can be used legitimately for live music events. Although Dublin is aiming this unique product at the nightclub market, it is also perfect for music festivals. ‘The Dube’ has a microphone built into it, which can be adjusted at any volume, making it ideal for outdoor venues where sound quality may be a problem.

The bongo drum has obviously influenced the design of ‘The Dube’, but its impressive acoustics resemble a calypso drum more than anything. It helps to give Dublin’s instrument a clear and crisp sound that also sounds fun, at the same time. It’s no surprise that, despite its simplicity, there has been little scepticism from musicians. The instrument has been given universal praise by musicians – including the veteran percussionist Carl McGregor and Feeder’s drummer Karl Brazil, and it has also been used by the Royal Shakespeare Company and the critically acclaimed jazz musician Courtney Pine.

Dublin wants to go one further, though. He wants to take ‘The Dube’ into the charts. Dublin is currently managing the Nottingham-based indie group The Establishment, and his instrument features in their début single. Although the bland ‘Be That Way’ irritates and offers nothing original, ‘The Dube’ certainly makes it presence felt. Its strong beat is just as effective as a drum-kit, which is the best praise you could give to the instrument. The video has already attained cult status, though – largely due to cameos from former professionals like Stuart Pearce and Des Walker – and was expected to chart in the Top 40.

Even if the track isn’t a huge commercial success, ‘The Dube’ could well be the opposite. It has lots of thoughtful touches, such as selling the item in four different sizes and in any chosen design, which means that it can appeal all ages. It is a remarkably clever instrument, and Dublin will certainly benefit from aiming the product at a high premium and niche market. However, the hefty starting price of nearly £160 will prevent everyone from enjoying the instrument.

Despite being a specialist product, it is wonderful to see a product that is so inherently nice. Even if you’re not a supporter of one of Dublin’s former clubs, it is impossible to dislike this charismatic product. The best thing about ‘The Dube’ is that it proves that even the earliest childhood experiences can influence your adult life, whatever you end up doing. Considering Dublin’s target market, it’s clear that he wants to a new generation to learn this lesson. And why not, anything is possible with ‘The Dube’.

Dion Dublin’s ‘The Dube’ is available to buy online, on its official website, with prices starting from £157.45. The Establishment’s debut EP ‘Be That Way’ is also available online, via iTunes.

Aug

The ‘Football League Show’ drinking game

By Obscure Music and Football 6 Comments

Categories: Football, Satire and TV
Tags: Leroy Rosenior, Lizzie Greenwood-Hughes, Manish Bhasin, Mark Clemmit, Steve Claridge, The Fooball League Show

Everyone knows that ‘The Football League Show’ is a load of old rubbish. From Steve Claridge’s unjustified arrogance and Manish Bhasin’s wooden presenting to the misplaced enthusiasm of Lizzie Greenwood-Hughes and Mark Clemmit, it’s a show that frustrates constantly. But people still watch it, despite its sheer awfulness, because it shows all the goals. So, how do I propose to make the viewing experience of ‘The Football League Show’ that little less painful? By introducing a drinking game for the aforementioned show, of course.

It may seem like I’m offering less value for money here – given that the article is just a glorified collection of tweets, made by myself and other bloggers – but such an idea needs to have a compendium. If you haven’t seen the show before, then may I introduce you to the embedded YouTube clip below. It should convince you that such a game needs to exist.

The rules are simple. Just watch the show at ‘a quarter to midnight’ and whenever something that is included in five lists occurs, take a drink. To prevent liver damage, I recommend that you only follow one of the five lists. Remember, this is just a bit of fun and this list shouldn’t be taken seriously; it’s satire more than anything. You’d probably be hospitalised for alcohol positioning, if you actually played this game.

With that over, I shall introduce you to the lists – one for each of the four presenters and one for the show itself.

The Show
• Drink a shot whenever someone looks incredibly smug, for supporting a lower-league side, in the opening titles. Also, add another shot if they jump at the same time.
• Drink a shot for every keepy-uppy that is performed in the opening montage. (Submitted by ‘The Reality Rant’)
• Drink a rum and coke every time there is an element of bias towards Leeds United and Newcastle United.
• Down two shots every time the commentator mentions that a player has scored against their former club.
• Drink any drink every time past encounters between the two sides, who are included in the highlights, are mentioned.
• Down two shots whenever Lizzie and Manish look like they are flirting, when they meet up at the desk after Manish closes the show.

Manish Bhasin
• Down a shot when Manish gives out a statistic, at the start of the show. Add another shot if this statistic is about the number of goals that have been scored.
• Drink any drink every time Manish says “yeah”, whenever Lizzie or Steve have finished a sentence.
• Down a shot when Manish starts delivering a line, whilst staring into the wrong camera. (Submitted by ‘The Reality Rant’)
• Down a glass of wine when Manish makes his annoying interlude in the middle of ‘Match of the Day’. (Submitted by ‘The Reality Rant’)
• Also, during this interlude, you may jug an extra bit of wine if Manish says ‘The Football League Show’ is on at a “quarter to midnight”.

Steve Claridge
• Down any drink, straight-away, whenever Claridge mentions a player that he’s played alongside. (Submitted by ‘Gary Andrews’)
• Down a shot whenever Leroy Rosenior acts as a stand-in for Steve or appears as a co-pundit.
• Down two drinks every time Steve mentions a player he played alongside or against, whilst he was player-manager at Weymouth.
• Down a double vodka, each time Steve looks at his notes. (Submitted by ‘The Reality Rant’)
• Double vodkas all round, whenever Steve says a player and/or a club has not had an easy time in the past.
• Down any spirit whenever Steve says a team has “spirit”. (Submitted by ‘The Reality Rant’)
• Drink all of the drinks cabinet every time Steve mentions his managerial career.

Mark Clemmit
• Have a sip of your drink every time Mark mentions the year when a club was formed.
• Down a shot every time Mark exaggerates his words to make it sound like it contains an extra syllable.
• Drink any drink when Mark bounces up to any Football League club manager like a long lost friend (Submitted by ‘Footyphila Plus’)
• Down a shot when Mark utilises the smart jumper and shirt combination. Add another shot, if he also wearing a pair of jeans and add a further one if he is wearing white trainers.
• Drink any drink whenever Mark says a wacky and/or obscure fact, usually relating to the folklore of the club or the town/city.
• Drink any two drinks whenever Mark walks around the stadium’s terrace/stands and add a further drink when he touches a trophy that the club has won.
• Drink any three drinks whenever Mark feigns annoyance at having to schlep off somewhere remote. (Submitted by ‘Narrow the Angle’)

Lizzie Greenwood-Hughes
• Drink any drink whenever Lizzie has to read out a bloody awful email saying that “Team X are going up” and/or “Manager X should be sacked”. (Submitted by ‘The Carvalho Peninsula’)
• Down two shots whenever Lizzie fumbles around her papers. Add an extra shot if she also goes ‘erm’, at the same time.
• Drink a cocktail every time Lizzie asks Steve a question that has come from a viewer.
• Down the drink, that you are holding, each time Lizzie reads out a hoax email.
• Down three shots if Lizzie mentions that they’ve had an influx of email from supporters of one particular club.
• Down four shots whenever Jacqui Oatley stands-in for Lizzie.
• Drink a bottle of gin when David Garrido acts as a stand-in replacement for Lizzie. (Submitted by ‘The Reality Rant’).

Aug

The 15 most obscure League Two imports

By Obscure Music and Football 3 Comments

Seeing that the Football League season has recently started, it seems like the perfect opportunity to present the 15 most obscure imports ever to appear in League Two. The Premiership, the Championship and League One have already been covered, but you must never forget about League Two.

After all, League Two has often been the starting point for many successful imports in English football. Jason De Vos, Roberto Martinez, Ivar Ingimarsson, Mamady Sidibe and David Friio were just some of the players, who were give their big break in League Two.

As always, the rules are simple. As long as the potential contenders are not recognisable by your bog-standard football fan, they’re eligible. You are likely to be astounded by obscurity of the final fifteen, as only the most obsessive football fan will remember them. Forget about Julian Johnsson, Alex Calvo Garcia, Warren Goodhind, and the deadly Jamaican combo of Theodore Whitmore and Ian Goodison. The below fifteen players are the real deal.

15. Lucas Cominelli

Statistics:
Club – Oxford United (2005)
Position – Midfielder
League appearances whilst playing in League Two (goals scored) – 16 (1)
Cup appearances whilst playing in League Two (goals scored) – 0 (0)

One of the benefits of doing a list like this, is that I get to re-introduce Ramon Diaz’s foreign legion during his ill-fated spell at Oxford United. Juan Pablo Raponi, Mateo Corbo, Amine Karam and Diaz’s son Emiliano were just some of the signings; but Lucas Cominelli is the man to talk about.

The Kassam Stadium wasn’t the first English port of call for Cominelli as he previously spent an unhappy period at Newcastle United. He failed to impress Sir Bobby Robson, despite making appearances for their reserves, and a trial spell at Carlisle United was equally unsuccessful.

Diaz saw Cominelli as Oxford’s missing link, after the winger lead Pahang to the top of the Malaysian Super League. He may have learnt a lot about tackling, having played alongside ex-Birmingham City defender Jonathan Bass in Malaysia, but Cominelli failed to boost morale at the under-achieving club since his arrival in January 2005. The only lasting impression the Argentine made, was when he scored Oxford’s opener in their 2-1 defeat to Grimsby Town.

At the end of the 2004-2005 season, Cominelli was optimistic about Oxford’s future and felt that he could play an important role in a promotion push. However, his new manager Horacio Rodriguez thought differently as Cominelli was released just weeks later. Cominelli is now building a strong reputation as a football agent, with Queens Park Rangers’ Alejandro Faurlin amongst his clients.

14. Amara Simba

Statistics:
Club – Leyton Orient (1998-2000)
Position – Striker
League appearances whilst playing in League Two (goals scored) – 41 (13)
Cup appearances whilst playing in League Two (goals scored) – 10 (1)

Bicycle-kick specialist Amara Simba is the kind of striker you would expect to sign for a club whilst on holiday. Simba exactly did that, when he signed a contract with Leyton Orient in October 1998, after training with the Brisbane Road outfit to keep fit during his holiday. It was seen as a real coup as Simba’s former clubs included Monaco and Lille; and Simba was also called up to the French international squad for Euro 92, only for the striker to withdraw after sustaining a fractured fibula in training.

Simba did not disappoint, as he made an immediate impact by scoring on his début against Exeter and scored 10 goals in 27 league games during the 1998-1999 season. Although Simba had dry spells during that season (including failing to score in 11 matches), he remains a cult favourite to this day and inspired the East London club to a play-off final appearance against Scunthorpe.

Although Simba suffered play-off heartache on that day, he remained with the club for the 1999-2000 season. The 37-year old endeared himself to supporters even more by scoring the winning goal against Halifax Town, just one day after hearing the news that his father had passed away. However, Simba failed to hit top form during this season, as he only scored 3 goals in 17 matches, and he was later farmed out on loan to Kingstonian.

The decision to drop down a division proved to be inspired, as he scored 13 goals in 20 games for Kingstonian which included scored the winning goal in the 2000 FA Trophy Final against Kettering Town. Since then, Simba failed to reach with heights he achieved with Orient as short spells at St Albans, Kettering Town and Billericay Town proved to be less memorable; before he eventually retiring at the grand age of 41.

Simba, however, has remained in football ever since his retirement. He is notable for working as a recruiter and African ambassador for former club Paris SG, and he has also had a spell working as a consultant for media giant Canal+.

13. Gilbert Prilasnig

Statistics:
Club – Cambridge United (2004)
Position – Defender
League appearances whilst playing in League Two (goals scored) – 0 (0)
Cup appearances whilst playing in League Two (goals scored) – 0 (0)

You rarely get footballers who have not only played in League Two, but have also faced clubs like Valencia, Rangers and Manchester United in the Champions League. But then, Gilbert Prilasnig is no ordinary footballer.

After spending a distinguished decade at Strum Graz – where he also gained 16 caps for Austria at international level, during this period, and was also called up for their World Cup 1998 squad (although Prilasnig was forced to withdraw due to an injury) – moving to Cambridge United is a transfer that would have raised more than a few eyebrows.

However, in order to rebuild his fitness after suffering a cruciate ligament injury at former club FC Karnten, Prilasnig took the offer to join former Senegal coach Claude le Roy at Abbey Stadium in 2004. Supporters would’ve been disappointed that Prilasnig failed to make a single appearance for the U’s, but it was an important move for Prilasnig personally – even if he later admitted that he did not benefit from the move, footballing-wise.

For example, the move to England led to trials at Wolverhampton Wanderers and Nottingham Forest; whilst Prilasnig achieved a Certificate of Proficiency at Anglia Ruskin University. Prilasnig also admitted that the move to Cambridge helped him to develop himself, so it didn’t surprise people when he went onto manage Austria at the Homeless World Cup.

After spells at Polish club Miedz Legnica and DSV Leoben, Prilasnig is currently playing his trade in the Austrian Regional League East with SV Horn.

12. Naim Uka

Statistics:
Club – Leyton Orient (2000-2002)
Position – Midfielder
League appearances whilst playing in League Two (goals scored) – 0 (0)
Cup appearances whilst playing in League Two (goals scored) – 0 (0)

Naim Uka may not have made a first-team appearance for Leyton Orient, but his tenure in English football provides a unique and memorable story. Uka was initially tipped to be a major footballing force when he signed for Albanian outfit Partiza as a 15-year-old, but his life was turned upside down in 1998 when his family disappeared and his family home was blown up during a Serb attack.

Uka’s two-month search for his family proved to be fruitless, and he soon escaped from the terror in Kosovo when he moved to South Wales via a Macedonian truck. He had nothing apart from a small amount of money, a selection of t-shirts and some football boots. Initially, Uka was banned from working in the UK for six months, but his hostel manager alerted the FA of Uka’s talents and agent Richard Cody quickly signed him up.

Uka was snapped up by Leyton Orient in 2000, to become the first asylum-seeker to play professional football in England. Orient Assistant manager Paul Clarke soon proclaimed Uka as the best technical footballer of his age in the country, and he sparkled during Orient’s pre-season friendly win over Crawley Town where he bagged an assist.

Whilst Uka did not make a single appearance for Leyton Orient, he seemed like a decent prospect and it was disappointing that he was released from his contract in 2002. Obscure Music and Football wish Uka all the best, whatever he is doing now.

11. Bjorn Heidenstrom

Statistics:
Club – Leyton Orient (1996-1997)
Position – Midfielder
League appearances whilst playing in League Two (goals scored) – 4 (0)
Cup appearances whilst playing in League Two (goals scored) – 0 (0)

Bjorn Heidenstrom is another former Leyton Orient player with a big heart and a big story. Unlike Uka, however, it is his post-footballing career that he is most famous for. In a successful bid to raise awareness for the Norwegian Refugee Council and the UN High Commissioner for Refugees (UNHCR), Heidenstrom and Justin Walley went on a 11-month cycling trip.

The trip started at Oslo and finished at the 2010 World Cup in South Africa, and they covered 35 countries with the aim of collecting signed football shirts. In order to symbolise unity and passion for football and refugees, several clubs from Manchester United and Barcelona to Oldham Athletic and Sheffield United chipped in.

The highlights of Heidenstrom’s heart-warming tale included sharing a 12-course Christmas lunch with an Italian family, receiving help from Glossop North End FC when his tyre was punctured and the unveiling of the world’s largest football shirt in South Africa.

It’s fair to say that this has overshadowed Heidenstrom’s footballing career. After spells with Odd Greenland and Lillestrom, the Norwegian midfielder joined Leyton Orient on a non-contract basis in December 1996. He made four appearances for them, but it was not enough to gain a permanent contract and he left the O’s in January 1997. After spells at Tollnes, Uraedd and Heroya; Heidenstrom retired to become an administrator for Norwegian side Valerenga.

10. Martin Hollund

Statistics:
Club – Hartlepool United (1997-2002)
Position – Goalkeeper
League appearances whilst playing in League Two (goals conceded) – 118 (146)
Cup appearances whilst playing in League Two (goals conceded) – 15 (27)

It is rare that you find an obscure player that was actually good, but Norwegian ‘keeper Martin Hollund was one of those few players. Hollund became a regular fixture at Hartlepool United during his five-year spell at the club, after he replaced loanee Steve Harper in November 1997.

Hollund made some impressive saves, during his time at Victoria Park, which included an outstanding performance against Bolton Wanderers in the League Cup. He was consistent between the posts, but he was always eccentric. His fumbling of crosses frustrated fans at times, and he also displayed some impressive Cruyff-turns as he was comfortable in challenging opposing strikers in the penalty area (at one time, he took three attackers on at the same time!). This occasionally led to some comical errors, where he was sometimes caught completely wrong-footed or made a badly judged pass.

However, due to an inflamed pelvis, Hollund soon lost his place to Tony Williams and Jim Provett. After spending his final two years with the ‘Pools on the bench, Hollund decided to leave Victoria Park after the 2001-2002 season. However, there was little interest in Hollund from English sides and the capable ‘stopper returned to Norway to play for Lov-Ham. He still works for the club as a goalkeeping coach, and he also made a comeback as a goalkeeper-cum-striker for the club after retiring.

9. Hugo Rodrigues

Statistics:
Club – Yeovil Town (2003-2004)
Position – Defender
League appearances whilst playing in League Two (goals scored) – 34 (1)
Cup appearances whilst playing in League Two (goals scored) – 4 (0)

Portuguese defender Hugo Rodrigues is famous for two things: bringing down Harry Kewell in the penalty area during an FA Cup tie against Liverpool and being one of the tallest footballers ever in British football.

Rodrigues was one of the many foreigners whose head was turned by the prospect of playing professional football in England – as he left his life in Portugal behind (which included a job with his family’s cork production business, studying for an Economics degree and a girlfriend) for a week-long trial at Yeovil Town.

The defender – who is 6 foot and 8 inches – was offered a one-year contract by manager Gary Johnson, although it took him time to settle into England and to break into the side. When he finally did play, he again struggled with the physicality of League Two football; but he did develop a promising partnership with captain Terry Skiverton in the heart of Yeovil’s defence.

He also managed to play against Liverpool in FA Cup, the club that he supported as a boy, but his good performance was tainted when he was judged to have brought down Kewell and a penalty was given. Danny Murphy converted the penalty to give Liverpool a 2-0 victory, but a bitter row emerged when Rodrigues accused Kewell of diving.

It has to be said, that there was some expectation that Rodrigues would be a strong offensive presence due to his height; but he only scored in his second-to-last game against Hull City. But in the end, whilst Rodrigues’ legacy was that he helped Yeovil to achieve a second successive promotion, the man-mountain soon retired and returned to Portugal.

8. Marcus Stergiopoulos

Statistics:
Club – Lincoln City (2000)
Position – Midfielder
League appearances whilst playing in League Two (goals scored) – 7 (0)
Cup appearances whilst playing in League Two (goals scored) – 2 (1)

Winger Marcus Stergiopoulos could happily be described as the Australian Steve Claridge, Trevor Benjamin or Benito Carbone when you look at the number of clubs he’s been at. In total Stergiopoulos has been with 13 different clubs, and this does not include his three spells with Morwell Falcons or the number of clubs he’s been on trial with.

Stergiopoulos’ first major venture into English football was when the skilful Aussie was offered a trial with Wimbledon, who were fresh from their relegation to the First Division in the summer of 2000. He impressed many, including Robbie Earle, but manager Terry Burton decided against offering Stergiopoulos a contract. Later trials at Walsall and Notts County were less successful, as the former Columbus Crew midfielder admitted that he was not mentally prepared enough to succeed there.

Despite interest from Belgian sides, Stergiopoulos decided to sign for Lincoln City on a three-month contract. He had ambitions to play at a higher-level, and he showed signs that he could do this when he scored a fantastic right-footed finished against Sheffield United in the League Cup. It may have been the winner in the second-leg, but it couldn’t stop the Imps from losing 6-1 on aggregate.

Stergiopoulos gained many admirers at Sincil Bank with his exciting displays, but his contract was not extended and he soon returned to Australia. The talented winger is still playing for Dandenong Thunder SC and is also working as a National Advertising Executive for a sports publishing company. It is unknown whether the veteran still has time for his other life-long passions: jet-skiing and Pamela Anderson.

7. Gustavo Di Lella

Statistics:
Club – Darlington (1997-1998); Hartlepool United (1998-2000)
Position – Midfielder
League appearances whilst playing in League Two (goals scored) – 36 (4)
Cup appearances whilst playing in League Two (goals scored) – 6 (1)

Gustavo Di Lella: the forgotten footballer of the North East. Di Lella originally made a name for himself during Blyth Spartans’ battling 4-3 defeat to Blackpool, where he had scored an outstanding goal for Blyth. Di Lella soon made the short trip to Darlington and, although he failed to impress for the Quakers, a transfer to Hartlepool United beckoned just a few months later.

Di Lella made an immediate impact as he scored two second-half goals in his home début against Cambridge United, which ended in a 3-3 draw. He also scored a scorching free-kick against Hull City in his full season at Victoria Park.

However, like many other obscure players, Di Lella’s tenure with the ‘Pools was marred by poor discipline. In a 15-match spell during the 1998-1999 season, for example, Di Lella somehow managed to obtain eight yellow cards and two red cards. This does not even include the infamous incident in the Fulham’s players lounge after their FA Cup clash, where Di Lella punched Simon Morgan. This was after the Fulham defender had allegedly stamped on Di Lella’s head during the match.

Despite this, and being fined two weeks wages for the incident, Di Lella remained at the club and the temperamental Argentine winger was destined to spend the rest of his days at Victoria Park on the bench. Di Lella may have scored in a League Cup tie with Crewe Alexandra in August 1999, but he was released after the 1999-2000 season.

Di Lella is still a regular fixture in Northern non-league football and has since had unsuccessful spells with Durham City, Bishop Auckland, Scarborough, Waterford United and Horden Colliery Welfare.

6. Jesper Christiansen

Statistics:
Club – Kidderminster Harriers (2003-2004)
Position – Striker
League appearances whilst playing in League Two (goals scored) – 38 (1)
Cup appearances whilst playing in League Two (goals scored) – 5 (0)

Kidderminster Harriers fans must have thought that manager Jan Molby had unearthed a gem in Jesper Christiansen, after he made an excellent début in the shock 1-1 draw against Wolves in the FA Cup. Both Christiansen and fellow striker Bo Henrisken didn’t score in the match, but they gave defenders Mark Clyde and Jody Craddock a torrid time in defence. After this performance, it was expected that Christiansen would prove to be a real bargain.

However, the Danish striker was finding goals to be an impossible task as finding confidence and form was proving to be an endless struggle. As a striker, Christiansen had only scored once in 36 matches, and he flapped at every opportunity he had in utter panic. His miss in the 0-0 draw with Cambridge United, was an example of this. In fact, the only other impact he had as a striker was when he scored a hat-trick in a pre-season friendly with Worcester.

A undettered Molby then made the tactical decision to shunt the Dane on the wings, and he was rewarded with a man of the match display, in the 3-2 win over Scunthorpe United. Molby predicted that more was to come from Christiansen, but he was wrong. Molby soon left the club and Christiansen only played six more matches, before his contract was terminated.

Like all obscure footballers, Christiansen soon made the obligatory move to Dunfermline Athletic and achieved a life-long ambition to play against Rangers. Christiansen’s time in Scotland was short as he again struggled for goals, but he finally found his goalscoring mojo with Danish side Kolding FC. He is currently in his third prolific spell with them.

5. Brian Wilsterman

Statistics:
Club – Rotherham United (1999-2001)
Position – Defender
League appearances whilst playing in League Two (goals scored) – 42 (3)
Cup appearances whilst playing in League Two (goals scored) – 6 (0)

Brian Wilsterman is an odd one. He’s one of the few players on the list to have played at a higher level (for Oxford United, who bizarrely bought the central defender for £200,000 in February 1997 to partner Darren Purse) but his place on this list is deserved for his inexcusably poor distribution and his clumsy ways.

A sign of Wilsterman’s troubled genesis was when he made his debut for Oxford – he helped Oxford to concede four goals in a defeat to Crystal Palace in March 1997. Nonetheless, Wilsterman became a staple in Oxford’s troubled defence and the embarrassing 7-1 defeat at the hands of Birmingham City was just one of many heavy defeats. Huddersfield Town’s 5-1 hammering and 4-1 thrashings by Middlesbrough and Swindon Town (where he also scored an own-goal) were other low-points in the Dutchman’s consistently poor career.

Therefore, it became logical for Wilsterman to make the journey to South Yorkshire when he joined Rotherham United in the summer of 1999. Although he was a member of Ronnie Moore’s promotion winning squad in the 1999-2000 season, he quickly became the laughing-stock at Millmoor. Fans of the Millers often called Wilsterman ‘the fireman’ for putting every clearance out of play and, to add insult to injury, Wilsterman’s red card helped Swansea City to pip the Millers to the Third Division title in May 2000.

It was, therefore, no surprise that Wilsterman was error prone. A fine example of this was when the Millers were in Division Two and the Dutch defender (along with goalkeeper Ian Gray) completely missed the ball, that was crossed, in a match with Reading. This enabled Reading striker Jamie Cureton to score from an open net. Another highly amusing gaffe was when Wilsterman broke team-mate Mark Robins’ nose, after heading the ball so hard to him.

After a 6-1 defeat to Cambridge United and 4-3 loss at the hands of former club Oxford, Moore finally had enough. Wilsterman was released at the end of the 2000-2001 season and he would play no further role in Rotherham’s miraculous rise up the divisions.

4. Stephane Gillet

Statistics:
Club – Chester City (2006)
Position – Goalkeeper
League appearances whilst playing in League Two (goals conceded) – 8 (15)
Cup appearances whilst playing in League Two (goals conceded) – 2 (3)

Stephane Gillet is a goalkeeper who is used to conceding goals. After all, his 20 international caps for Luxembourg have included defeats by Russia (5-1), Hungary (5-1), Yugoslavia (6-2) and Israel (5-0). Gillet is a man who is also used to losing, as he has been defeated by Estonia and the Faroe Islands in international matches. Therefore, the ideal place for Gillet to play his trade and to display his talents was at the Deva Stadium.

Chester City was not Gillet’s first time in England. He had a trial with Paul Sturrock’s Plymouth Argyle in 2003, but contractual issues put an end to this after just two days. Gillet was always destined for Chester, especially after regular goalkeepers Chris MacKenzie and Ryan Brookfield were both injured.

Gillet’s arrival at Chester City coincided with a dreadful run of form for the Seals; and eight defeats, one draw and one solidarity victory over Mansfield Town was no coincidence. Despite this, manager Keith Curle praised Gillet for his early displays in goal and he produced a fine performance in the 1-0 FA Cup defeat to Cheltenham Town.

Alarm bells were soon ringing, however, after the Luxembourg international was sent off during a match with Bristol Rovers for fouling Junior Agogo. This meant that defender David Artell had to put on the gloves for the rest of the match and, although the red card was eventually overturned, it was the beginning of the end for Gillet. For example, in a defeat against Notts County, Gillet managed to control a simple defensive back-pass dangerously close to his net and had to rely on a late goal-line clearance from one of his defenders to save his blushes.

The goalkeeper’s poor form continued as, in his next match, he conceded five goals against Carlisle United. This did not go unnoticed and he was soon made allowed to go out loan, after Chester’s new manager Mark Wright took charge. However, the expected interest from Conference clubs did not materialise and Wright decided to cancel the former Paris SG stopper’s contract after just two months with the Seals.

After this embarrassing charade, the unfortunate ‘keeper returned to former club Racing FC, and he has enjoyed several career highlights since then. This have included being the Luxembourgian ambassador for the Special Olympics and his inclusion in the video game ‘Pro Evolution Soccer 3′.

3. Cyrille L’Helgoualch

Statistics:
Club – Mansfield Town (1998-1999)
Position – Defender
League appearances whilst playing in League Two (goals scored) – 4 (0)
Cup appearances whilst playing in League Two (goals scored) – 0 (0)

Mansfield Town’s Cyrille L’Helgoualch is a player who, on the other hand, could be considered as more fortunate. Described by the Stags’ official spokesman as their ‘lucky mascot’, as well as being ‘talented and technically gifted’, the French defender made a big impact during his month-long spell at Field Mill.

L’Helgoualch initially had a trial at Walsall but failed to gain a contract, despite scoring for their reserves, and the former Rennes and Angers defender soon arrived at Field Mill with an eye for goal.

After helping the Stags keep clean sheets against Shrewsbury Town and Hull City, L’Helgoualch scored a wonder 30-yarder against Rochdale. This made L’Helgoualch an instant, albeit temporary, fans’ favourite and one Mansfield supporter was so impressed that he thought it was their fourth best goal of the 1998-1999 season. He still showed his offensive capabilities in the next match with Cambridge United, as his defence splitting pass allowed Tony Lormer to score. However, his inept defending caused Mansfield to lose the match 7-2 and he was substituted after just 60 minutes.

After this abject display, and tarnishing the Stags’ otherwise excellent defensive record during the 1998-1999 season, it was no surprise that L’Helgoualch did not have his initial contract extended. His next stop was at obscure German outfit SSV Ulm 1846, and what happened next still remains a mystery. For such an obscure player, this seems fitting.

2. Anders Koogi

Statistics:
Club – Peterborough United (1997-2000)
Position – Midfielder
League appearances whilst playing in League Two (goals scored) – 2 (0)
Cup appearances whilst playing in League Two (goals scored) – 0 (0)

There are many players who excelled in Championship Manager, but failed to make the tiniest of splashes in the real footballing world. Anders Koogi was one of those unlucky men. Koogi joined Peterborough United from Canary Rangers in his early teens and, alongside Matthew Etherington and Simon Davies, became a staple in the Posh youth sides.

Koogi became the midfield anchorman in these sides and led the London Road side to an impressive run to FA Youth Cup semi-finals in 1998. The young Dane also gave a very good account of himself, as he scored four goals in three consecutive matches. Koogi was also seen as an impressive youth prospect by others, as he made ten international appearances for the Denmark Under 17′s.

Due to Koogi’s progression, he was rewarded with a two-minute substitute appearance in Peterborough’s 3-0 win over Leyton Orient in May 1999 and was on the bench during Scarborough’s final ever league match in the same month. However, apart from one substitute appearance against Plymouth Argyle (due to an injury sustained by Davies), Koogi never played for Peterborough’s first team again as he watched his youth team colleagues move onto bigger and better things.

Koogi left for a loan spell at non-league outfit Cambridge City and, despite trials at Cambridge United (where he scored in a pre-season friendly) and Southend United, English football was not meant to be. There was no doubting his skill, but he perhaps lacked the physical presence that was required to succeed in English professional football.

Koogi later moved back to his native Denmark, where he had spells at Koge and Roskide BK, and is now working as a postman. At least he’s done better than Bart Griemink, who is now working as a taxi driver in Boston.

1. Kingsley Mbome

Statistics:
Club – Cambridge United (2004-2005)
Position – Midfielder
League appearances whilst playing in League Two (goals scored) – 13 (0)
Cup appearances whilst playing in League Two (goals scored) – 2 (0)

Kingsley Mbome is a name that will forever be remembered by Cambridge United fans, but is forgotten by everyone else. United fans will still be scratching their heads at how a player who was a youth player for Saint-Etienne, spent seven months on the books of Celtic and played for Sheffield United’s reserves for two years was so poor for them. However, for a player who admired Darren Quinton, this was always going to happen.

After falling out of love with the game (much like Obscure Music and Football favourite Adrian Coote), Mbome combined playing for French amateur side Gap with studying science at college. The versatile Cameroon midfielder soon found a way back into professional football, and signed for the U’s after rejecting offers from second division French sides.

An indicator that Mbome was going to be complete tosh, was when he admitted in an interview that he was not yet sharp or fast enough to compete in the division and that he was struggling to get the ball down. Although he described himself as tough, tall and with good technical ability, adapting to League Two was always going to be tough. Therefore, it came as no surprise that under Mbome, the U’s only won two of the 15 games he played in. No wonder Cambridge finished rock bottom in League Two during the 2004-2005 season.

The only thing Mbome offered was a last-minute equaliser against Kidderminster (who were also relegated) and nothing else. He couldn’t even persuade Grimsby Town to give him a contract after being on trial.

Mbome soon returned to France with his tails between his legs and, to this day, is ironically name-checked alongside modern Cambridge United legends like Dion Dublin, Dave Kitson and Martin Butler on the club’s official website. It could be considered as a tad harsh, but he was one hell of a bad player. The Number 1 spot is thoroughly deserved.

If you’re still wanting more from the vaults of obscurity in League Two, then I can provide you with embedded YouTube videos. The one below provides all of the action in League Two, from Saturday October 12th 1998. There’s plenty of obscure highlights, and includes several lower-league legends from Lee Glover and Jason Fowler to Lee Martin and Jon Sheffield. Martin Hollund even makes an appearance within the first ten seconds! What more could you want?

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@chrismayerV1 Copper Blue, Back in Denim, Giant Steps, Code Selfish, Debut, So Tough, Selected Ambient.., Souvlaki, Slanted.., Very, Cuckoo 5 hours ago
Ditto RT @Dorianlynskey No 4 Non Blondes, no credibility. RT @NME Magazine The 10 worst songs of the '90s http://t.co/E8q5ynGv 11 hours ago
Frank Carson, you were a cracker. It was the way you told 'em. RIP. 1 day ago
A YouTube clip for #sufc & #afc fans. An Arsenal v Blades FA Cup result is classed as void in '99: http://t.co/DeUBp3AG 1 day ago
RT @ThreeMatchBan Football pop http://t.co/fGsaL5xf We’re Going Up – An optimistic 1992 Leicester City play-off song. 1 day ago
Essential reading re: football on the Internet/Twitter etc RT @gafootbl FRESH FISH SOLD HERE http://t.co/qy4oqjII 2 days ago
@twounfortunates This should explain the whole non league system pre-2004: http://t.co/osVFkOsI 3 days ago
@RhianEJones Thanks, most kind! And I'm still not quite sure what to make of that particular version ;) 3 days ago
@markbatham He's got his flaws but he's got the club's best interests at heart, which would be hard to replace. It's a tad disrespectful tbh 3 days ago
@markbatham They'll struggle to attract anyone more experienced than GM. Rebuilding this club will take time, which is exactly what GM needs 3 days ago

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Obscure Music and Football

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Book review: ‘Unofficial Football World Champions’ by Paul Brown

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