The origin of the cover: Album track on ‘How Do You Dance?‘
Original recording artist: Sandra Kim
Grade: D-

For this year’s Eurovision special, I wanted to do something a bit different. I could have plumped for a Eurovision cover by a credible artist, such as ‘Volare’ by Alex Chilton or Edwyn Collins’ ‘Ding A Dong’, but that would have been too obvious. The same would have also applied to Dana International’s version of Stevie Wonder’s ‘Free’, which was performed during the 1999 Eurovision Song Contest’s interval.

The concept of a former Eurovision entrant covering someone else’s Eurovison entry is something that I find fascinating, though. After all, Bucks Fizz covering ‘Save Your Kisses For Me’ or Gina G revamping ‘Boom Bang-a-Bang’ would have added a bit of life to their careers. Enter, Telex’s ‘J’aime la vie’.

Unfortunately, those who are expecting ‘J’aime la vie’ to match the greatness of ‘Ça Plane Pour Moi’ and ‘Dance to the Music’ will be disappointed. The usual droll humour and irreverence remains, but there’s little end product. It’s aimless and it seems like Telex didn’t know what to do with it.

It also doesn’t help that Sandra Kim’s original was not particularly memorable in the first place, and thus ensuring that any humour is hard to spot. Therefore, unlike ‘Jailhouse Rock’ (which strangely sounds like the ‘Road Rash II’ soundtrack), it lacks immediate appeal. This version also exposes Telex’s lack of progression and some inflexibility; it is pretty similar to 1979’s ‘Rock Around the Clock’, only without the originality and freshness.

Telex can be seen as a misunderstood band – especially as they know that music is about having fun and experimenting – but this is a misstep. It’s an interesting concept, but they picked the wrong song; it may have worked if they had reworked a track like ‘Waterloo’, instead. It’s still better than the original, though. That has got to be worth something, at least.

The origin of the cover: Released as a single
Original recording artist: Edwin Starr
Grade: F

Bandwagon jumping vanity projects are never good things in music. Especially when they involve children’s television presenters.

By the time Michaela Strachan had released her début single, a version of Edwin Starr’s ‘H.A.P.P.Y. Radio’ in September 1989 under the Michaela moniker, it wasn’t uncommon to see the stars of Children’s BBC and ITV release musical offerings. And this was before the likes of Timmy Mallet, Peter Simon and Phillip Schofield infested record store shelves.

In this niche area of music, there were two types of singles. The most common, and well-known, efforts were seen as novelties. Usually, tracks like Roland Rat Superstar’s ‘Rat Rapping’ and ‘I Wanna Be A Winner’ by Multi-Coloured Swap Shop’s musical combo Brown Sauce, weren’t undesirable and flirted with Top 20 success.

The stars that took it seriously and, subsequently, sunk into musical obscurity were part of the second and much rarer camp, mainly because soap stars were becoming regular chart fixtures by the late 1980s. Kim Goody, for instance, relentlessly plugged her version of ‘Don’t Turn Around’ on TVS’ Saturday morning show ‘No. 73’, yet it failed to break into the UK Singles Chart’s Top 100.

Unsurprisingly, for someone who admitted to Smash Hits that she always wanted to be a popstar for the attention, Michaela’s brief music career fell into the latter category. And, despite the fact that ‘H.A.P.P.Y. Radio’ was produced by Mike Percy and Tim Lever from Dead Or Alive, its questionable quality wasn’t surprising either.

The cover rigidly follows the same template that was used by Stock, Aitken and Waterman; even though ‘H.A.P.P.Y. Radio’ sounds cheaper and tackier than singles like ‘Hand On Your Heart’. There wasn’t anything particularly new to be heard, especially if you had already listened to tracks by Sonia and Samantha Fox.

You can forgive a lack of imagination in the production department, especially considering that it is a cover, but there’s no excusing how vapid it is. Percy and Lever were experienced enough to know that adding radio sound effects, in a desperate attempt to tie the cover in with the lyrics’ radio theme, does not make it any more flavoursome.

As for Michaela: she was professional – after all, she blew an inflatable saxophone in the promo video and seemed to enjoy it – but her performance had little life and energy. However, unlike some of her contemporaries in the late 1980s Hi-NRG scene, she didn’t come across as over-enthusiastic or desperate; she seemed canny enough to know that a duffer was being produced. At least this meant that Michaela came out of this whole sorry affair with some dignity intact.

Unfortunately for Michaela, though, its impact on the charts was just as tepid as the cover itself; it only peaked at Number 62 in the UK Singles Chart. However, she was keen enough to co-write the b-side, ‘Time Flies’, and with a bit more luck, she could have had a decent chance of doing well in the music industry.

Even when Michaela collaborated with Ralf-René Maué, best known for his work with the London Boys and Sinitta, she could not make a dent in the charts. The German music promoter was behind her follow-up single, ‘Take Good Care Of My Heart’, and while there was a slight improvement quality-wise, it still faltered at Number 66 in May 1990.

It was not just the terrible first impression that put an end to Michaela’s musical aspirations, though. The Eurobeat sound, that was made popular in the UK by the likes of Maué and SAW, was going out of fashion. Even though SAW had seven UK Number 1 singles in 1989, for instance, their sovereignty was starting to show cracks.

By late 1989, Donna Summer and Sonia were struggling to replicate the success of their SAW débuts, and by mid-1990, it was Big Fun and Jason Donovan who were running out of steam. Furthermore, in February 1990, SAW released what was regarded as their biggest mistake, Kakko’s ‘We Should Be Dancing’. This was a blatant attempt to tap into the Japanese market, as shown by its oriental pentatonic hook, and it flopped at Number 101.

It was a far cry from the success of Rick Astley and Mel & Kim in 1987 and, if Michaela had reacted a bit quicker to the bullet and teamed up with her “Hitman”, she may have faired better in the charts. But, given the quality of ‘H.A.P.P.Y. Radio’, its lack of success was deserved. For Michaela Strachan, chart dominance wasn’t meant to be.

The origin of the cover: Released as a single
Original recording artist: La Ragazza 77
Grade: D

Without a shadow of a doubt, Cheryl Baker is a shameless self-promoter. Just look at the television shows that she has presented: ‘The Saturday Picture Show’, ‘Record Breakers’ and ‘Eggs ‘n’ Baker’. Bucks Fizz appeared on all of them at the drop of a hat.

And nothing changed when it came to her irregular solo recordings. In 1987, Baker was the resident cookery expert on BBC One’s Saturday morning kids show ‘It’s Wicked’. Yes, you’ve guessed it; she also performed her début solo single, ‘If Paradise Is Half As Nice’, on the show.

This cover version follows in the footsteps of Bucks Fizz’s previous two albums, ‘I Hear Talk’ and ‘Writing on the Wall’ (which included covers of ‘Talking in Your Sleep’ and ‘Love the One You’re With’), which saw Baker and company trying to re-invent themselves as a pop rock band.

Unsurprisingly, ‘If Paradise Is Half As Nice’ is the same vein as the likes of Journey and the track is also depressingly predictable. It pretty much ticks every cliché possible in rock music.

Even though it’s competently performed, you can spot the anthemic keys and riffs from a mile off (the same can also be said for her performance of Barbara Dickson’s ‘If You’re Right’ on the gameshow ‘3-2-1’). I can’t help but think that this cover could have been half-decent if a few risks had been taken in the production department.

There’s no doubt that Baker wants to do a good job, down to her costume choice and posture in the embedded clip. She could be accused of being too much of a try-hard, but her enthusiasm is worthy of faint praise.

‘If Paradise Is Half As Nice’ was unashamedly jumping on the soft rock bandwagon in the 1980s, but it could have been far worse. This version will appeal to fans of MOR rock, even if its cheese and unoriginality is noticeable.

But there’s no denying that this was very run-of-the-mill and added nothing to a genre that was greatly saturated by 1987. No wonder it failed to peak beyond Number 94 in the UK Singles Chart.

The origin of the cover: Album track on ‘Songs of Joy’
Original recording artist: The Drifters
Grade: F

Do you remember that piece I did about Phil Collins’ version of ‘The Times They Are A-changin’? You may have thought it wouldn’t have been possible to record a cover version that’s even worse.

However, there are over 20 cover versions (and that’s not including three Kool and the Gang, Beach Boys and Move melodies) that are even worse. And they’re all by the same person: Russ Abbot.

These versions came from two albums: ‘Songs of Joy’, which was released in 1990, and 1985’s ‘I Love a Party’. The latter of the two is probably the better album – and that’s by the smallest of margins.

It’s never a good sign when an album contains versions of ‘Y.M.C.A’, ‘Monster Mash’ and ‘I’m in the Mood for Dancing’. Especially when it also the home of the 1980s’ most bizarre synths. It says it all when ‘Atmosphere’, a song that’s bad enough to give anyone a nervous breakdown, is one of the best tracks on ‘I Love a Party’.

Abbot ‘outdid’ himself with ‘Songs of Joy’, though, as the LP is full of cover versions (with the sole exception of the album track). Suffice to say, it makes Duran Duran’s ‘Thank You’ look like ‘Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band’. The critical question, though, is what’s the worst song on the album?

‘Don’t Turn Around’ and ‘Woyaya’ are haunting for the wrong reasons, mainly because it sounds like that they have been recorded with the settings of a Casio PT-100 keyboard. ‘I Just Called to Say I Love You’ and ‘On the Wings of Love’ are slushier than the slushiest of Slush Puppies, while ‘White Sport Coat (And A Pink Carnation)’ is reminiscent of Jason Donovan’s worst musical crimes.

His worst cover, however, is ‘Saturday Night at the Movies’. Like his versions of ‘Everybody Needs Somebody to Love’ and ‘Two Hearts’, Abbot wants to croon like Elvis Presley. The problem, though, is that his vocals have a very deep echo, and thus ensuring that they are rather unsubtle.

The session musicians’ efforts are even worse. Being similar to a dodgy working men’s club act doesn’t even come close to describing them. As the plonkiest keyboard and weakest jazz synths have been used, the track ends up sounding like a bad ZX Spectrum soundtrack.

The worst thing about it is that Abbot took this whole charade seriously. He could have redeemed himself if he treated these covers as a novelty and joke (like the ‘Russ Abbot’s Madhouse‘ LP), but they aren’t. He probably thinks that he has recorded something worthwhile. Rarely has a cover version been more wrong than this.

I’d prefer to hear Robson & Jerome’s version of ‘Saturday Night at the Movies’ on a continuous loop, rather than having to hear Abbot’s songs again, and that’s saying something.

NB: For those who are interested, Abbot’s music career is profiled at the CosmoBells blog. ‘I Love a Party’ and ‘Songs of Joy’ are also available via Spotify.

The origin of the cover: Appeared on the ‘Lit Up’ demo, a flexi disc that was included in a fan mailing circa December 1993.
Original recording artist: Jackie Lee
Grade: B-

There are some artists, who have done so many covers, that would need a whole blogging series dedicated to them.

Lush is one of them. The quantity of cover versions nearly reached double figures, in the form of demos and b-sides, and their pattern of quality represented their musical journey. Even if their earlier material was far from perfect, they became nifty in their later years. And, as it was recorded during the middle of their career, ‘Rupert the Bear’ represents a turning point.

At first, and perhaps unfairly, Lush seemed to be pigeonholed as a student band. You could argue that there was an air of pretension surrounding them, while lacking substance at times. Their output could be variable in quality, too.

For instance, their version of Wire’s ‘Outdoor Miner’ (which appeared as a b-side of 1992’s ‘For Love’) was a safe choice, but it added depth to the original. There was talent and skill; it was too well crafted for it to be a fluke. Others, however, were less impressive. Their version of Dennis Wilson’s ‘Fallin in Love’ (a b-side of 1991’s ‘Nothing Natural’) was dull and lacked inspiration.

Meanwhile, ‘Chirpy Chirpy Cheep Cheep’ (a track on the ‘Alvin Lives (In Leeds)’ compilation in 1990 for the Anti-Poll Tax Campaign) was always going to be a difficult one. It avoided the classic mistake of not playing it straight but, like the original, it was a bit naff.

By the time their second album, ‘Split’, was released in 1994, there were signs of progression. Gist’s ‘Love at First Sight’ (a b-side on ‘Hypocrite’) lacked sparkle, but ‘Rupert the Bear’ had lots of nice touches. It was twee, without sounding kitsch, and felt teasing. They played it too safe – it was crying out for a punk-pop vibe and some heavy guitars, in particular – but you could appreciate what they were trying to do. At the very least, there was some sincerity.

In early 1996, though, Lush had cracked it. In ‘Lovelife’, they had found the consistency that was lacking in their previous two albums. Their versions of the Zounds’ ‘Demystification’ (a b-side of ‘Single Girl’), The Rubinoo’s ‘I Wanna Be Your Girlfriend’ (which appeared on the 7” of ‘Ladykillers’) and Magnetic Fields’ ‘I Have the Moon’ (yep, you’ve guessed it, it was a b-side of ‘500’) had the right mixture of garage pop and shoegaze.

Furthermore, a cover of Elvis Costello’s ‘All that Useless Beauty’ (which appeared on Costello’s ‘Distorted Angel’ EP) was thoughtful and did the original justice. They finally sounded like they were comfortable in their own skin and the poppier covers were also punchy.

‘Rupert the Bear’ wasn’t their finest moment and, to be quite frank, it was never going to be that way. Take ‘Hypocrite’, for example, which is probably their finest recording. It was simple and sharp, while having layers and multiple choruses.

Their version of Jackie Lee’s theme music was never going to have the complexion of ‘Hypocrite’; after all, you can’t recreate a watercolour painting with crayons. It isn’t that kind of song to be a career highlight, but Lush covered that song with dignity. They didn’t take go down the ironic or comedy route and, to a certain extent, they took it seriously.

As with all of their covers, even if they didn’t get it right, they always took something similar from the original, while adding something new to it. They deserved some sort of credit for that; a lot more than they got, anyway.

NB: The version on the embedded clip doesn’t start until 0:50; it’s just the band talking at the beginning.

Thomas Berling’s retirement in 2000, after coming out, is a stark reminder of this. However, a new project by the Football Association of Norway – which is also known as the NFF – could bring a positive legacy to the game.

Berling was seen as a talented prospect in Norwegian football during the late 1990s and had a bright future ahead of him. He started his career at Mosjøen IL and Nardo FK, while his fine form for the under-19 national side secured a move to FK Lyn in 1999.

Although his professional career was taking off, Berling found it difficult to cope with his homosexuality in football. For instance, he admitted to Dagbladet magazine in 2009 that he used various strategies during his youth career to prevent other players from getting suspicious about his sexuality. These strategies ranged from being homophobic to having various girlfriends and using them as an alibi.

A year after joining FK Lyn, he came out to his manager Vidar Davidsen – albeit privately, although Berling started to discuss his homosexuality publicly in April 2001 – when he was aged 21 years. Berling told Dagbladet that, during this conversation, there were concerns about what would happen if he fell in love with another player at the club.

Berling decided to retire from professional football within a week, after seeing the extent of homophobia in the dressing room throughout his career. For instance, he claimed that the word “gay” was used as an insult, rather than a word, in Norwegian football.

It does appear, though, that it is possible to be a gay footballer in the lower leagues of Norwegian football. Berling, for example, made a brief comeback in 2001 when he became the captain of Drøbak/Frogn IL, after he was approached by another homosexual footballer.

Furthermore, Anders Dale also came out in 2000, while he was a FK Vidar player, and has since carried on playing professional football. There was also a positive response when gay magazine Blikk sponsored lower league outfit Grüner IL in 2001.

Generally, though, it is still a major issue in Norwegian football. A striking statement was found in a survey, ‘Med idretten mot homofob’, which said there were approximately 20,000 homosexuals actively playing football in Norway and around a fifth of them had attempted suicide at least once. In addition, an investigation in 2005 by Adresseavisens found that a sixth of footballers in Norway felt uncomfortable changing in the dressing room with a homosexual footballer.

There has also been little press coverage, regarding this issue, in Norway. Adressa journalist Terje Eidsvåg, for instance, claimed that Norwegian reports about Swedish defender Anton Hysén’s sexuality were rare, even though the two countries have similar cultures and situations surrounding homosexuality in football. Former Sevilla goalkeeper Frode Olsen, meanwhile, was accused of defending homophobia in 2008, while working as a pundit on television.

Compared to other sports like handball, which has faced similar problems in the past, homophobia in football is covered far less proactively in Norway. Television channel TV2, for instance, produced a documentary series called ‘Raballder’ in 2006, which was about a gay handball team based in Oslo.

Major figures in Norwegian football have commented on these problems, though. Karen Espelund – the former general secretary of the NFF – claimed that little had been done to reduce discrimination, other than stating in their rules that no one should be excluded on the basis of their sexual orientation.

Meanwhile, Nils Johan Semb, the former manager of the Norwegian national team, feels that the majority of homophobic abuse comes from supporters and players are more aware of the negative effects of such language.

Others, however, see it differently. Viking FK’s president Ole Rugland and Aalesund FK’s chairman Arne Aambakk have stated that homosexuality is not an issue at their clubs. Youth players at Lillestrøm SK, meanwhile, have said that they respect the honesty of their homosexual coach, Lars Bache.

It is clear that this is not a simple issue to resolve and Egil Østenstad has highlighted its complexity. The former Southampton striker, who has publicly called for players to be sent off if they make homophobic remarks, told Dagbladet it is hard to know whether gay footballers are being bullied because he feels that homosexuality is invisible.

If there is a turning point, though, it has come from a recent initiative, which was focused on attitudes towards homosexuality. In 2010, the Akershus Football Association, alongside the NFF, implemented a pilot project within 14 Komerike municipals – which gave them the power to ban homophobic footballers for up to six matches.

The project has since received local prizes in Akershus and, to gain further knowledge on the issue, the NFF has commissioned a study about the perception of homosexuality in football. It will analyse the various challenges facing gay footballers, as well as looking at the changes that can be made so LGBT persons can see the sport as a support resource. The NFF are also hoping that the study will lead to further research on the issue, so they can take action against homophobia.

The study, which will be based on in-depth interviews, is expected to be published in mid-April 2012 and could be the breakthrough project that finally brings this issue into the mainstream. This is a big step forward and there remains enough hope to suggest that 2012 could be the year when this issue changes for the better.

The origin of the cover: Appeared on the end credits of ‘Blue Juice‘

Grade: A-

Believe it or not, a romantic comedy about surfing provided one of the best cover versions of the 1990s.

This version of Primal Scream’s ‘Movin on up’ won’t win any extra marks for originality, but it does not stop it from being superb. No one can deny that it is a faithful rendition; its similarity to the original is blatant. However, it is perfectly suited to Edwin Starr’s strengths.

Primal Scream’s original, while excellent, was probably too production heavy for its gospel elements to stand out from the blues rock tone. Starr’s version, however, is more stripped. For a Northern Soul cover, the C-major riffs aren’t overly important; these chords are rightly shunted into the background.

What matters is the soul of the vocals and overall sound. It needs to be raw and passionate without sounding earnest and preachy. And it works very well: it has the sincerity that was lacking from the original and has some good but underused touches, such the brief usage of an organ.

No matter how good this cover is, though, it would be unfair to say whether it is better or worse than the original. This is because the full version is impossible to find – mainly because the ‘Blue Juice’ OST was never commercially released. And, unless you have access to the master tapes, you will never hear more than the first 150 seconds of the song.

It is a shame because it deserves a wider audience than being shunted to the end credits of a rarely remembered surfing flick. But, because of this, there is an aura of mystery surronding it; no one knows where it falters or thrives beyond that halfway point. Whether that makes it better or worse is debatable, but the magic of this version isn’t.

As the phrase goes, hindsight is a funny thing. Some Aston Villa and Blackburn Rovers fans may feel that the 2011/2012 season is one of the worst they have seen. Within the next decade, though, they may have changed their minds.

Just look at Sheffield Wednesday: the club was involved in a relegation battle during the 1995/1996 season, which would have disappointed many fans. But they were competing in the Premier League. They had signed Marc Degryse from R.S.C. Anderlecht. And, best of all, they played in the UEFA Intertoto Cup.

Sheffield Wednesday were one of three English teams who competed in 1995’s Intertoto Cup – the others being Wimbledon and Tottenham Hotspur – and, according to 90 Minutes journalists Kevin Palmer and Andy Strickland, the Owls were “the only British team to take the Intertoto Cup seriously [that] summer”.

Judging from the build up, though, that statement could have been very different. In May 1995, Sheffield Wednesday rejected the opportunity to join the competition and, earlier that month, Tottenham Hotspur and Wimbledon had also rebuffed UEFA’s offer.

In early June, though, all three sides agreed to play in the competition, which prevented UEFA from banning English clubs that would be participating in European competitions during the 1996/1997 season..

Sheffield Wednesday’s group was tough, though, as the Owls’ opponents Group One included Danish side Aarhus GF and Fußball-Bundesliga outfit Karlsruher SC. The preparations for the first match, against FC Basle at the St. Jakob Stadium on 24 June, were less than ideal. For instance, Clive Baker was in temporary charge and many experienced players were still on their pre-season break.

The likes of Graham Hyde and Lee Briscoe started the match, but Baker was forced to rely on five guest loanees: Cardiff City’s John Pearson, Bradford City goalkeeper Ian Bowling, David German of Halifax Town, and Rotherham United duo Andy Williams and Tony Brien.

Pearson made a lively return to the club by creating chances, but a second-half strike by Alexandre Rey gave the experienced Swiss side a 1-0 victory.

With just one qualification place available, the club could not afford to lose another game. By the time they were due to play their next game, against Górnik Zabrze at Rotherham United’s Millmoor Stadium on 8 July, the Owls were in better shape.

David Pleat was ready for his first game as Sheffield Wednesday’s manager and several first-team players – including Chris Woods, Ian Nolan, Des Walker, Andy Sinton, Peter Atherton, Chris Waddle and Mark Bright – started the match, after returning for pre-season training just 24 hours before the match. Star striker David Hirst, though, was completing a three match European ban for his dismissal against 1.FC Kaiserslautern in 1992.

The Owls scored first when Julian Watts’ attack troubled defender Maciej Krzętowski, which led to an own goal, but Marek Szemoński soon equalised. And, just before the half time break, some strong build-up play between Waddle, Hyde and Nolan found Bright’s head to give Sheffield Wednesday a 2-1 lead.

Bright nearly scored another goal in the second half, but his shot came back off the post and Waddle fired in the rebound. Woods, however, made a howler after losing his balance and he fell over the line, while the ball was still in his hands, to give the visitors a consolation goal.

Ahead of the group’s biggest match, against group leaders Karlsruher SC at the Wildparkstadion on 15 July, Sheffield Wednesday needed to avoid defeat in order to stay in the competition.

Danny Bergara, the club’s head coach, was in charge and the home side took an early lead when Slaven Bilić scored with a cracking 30-yard strike. The Owls got a deserved equaliser and ended Karlsruher SC’s 100% record when Bright scored another header from close range after some excellent work by Waddle.

Millmoor hosted the final match, against Aarhus GF on 22 July, and both sides had to hope that results went their way, if they were to ensure qualification for the knockout stages. New signing Mark Pembridge – as well as the club’s new crest and home kit – made their débuts and the Welshman made an immediate impact by setting up Bright’s third goal of the competition after 11 minutes.

Nocko Jokovic soon equalised but Bright scored again, during the opening period of the second half, after he was set-up by Sheridan. Sheffield Wednesday’s best goal of the tournament was left until last, though. Dan Petrescu dribbled past two defenders and the goalkeeper, and thus allowing an easy tap-in for the Romanian full back.

However, the match ended on a sour note. Bright was sent-off for retaliating to Henrik Mortensen’s challenge and the Owls exited the tournament after Karlsruher SC hammered Górnik Zabrze 6-1.

Although Sheffield Wednesday did not progress to the next round, they were moral winners in comparison to Tottenham Hotspur and Wimbledon. The two London sides were banned from European competitions for one season after fielding under-strength sides throughout the Intertoto Cup.

The Premier League quickly vetoed the punishment and UEFA scrapped the ban in January 1996, but it became the legacy of the Intertoto Cup. Although clubs like Bradford City and West Ham United fielded strong sides in future tournaments, it was never a priority in English football.

Tottenham Hotspur and Wimbledon got what they deserved, though, as both sides finished second-from-bottom in their groups. Furthermore, Spurs lost three of their four matches and the Crazy Gang failed to win a single match.

On the other hand, Sheffield Wednesday won two matches and finished second in Group One with seven points. And, if they had beaten Karlsruher SC and gained a point against FC Basle, they would have qualified for the knockout stages. The Owls can look back at their Intertoto Cup campaign with pride for sure.

(NB: The embedded video has brief highlights of Sheffield Wednesday versus Aarhus GF between 4:00 to 4:35)

That’s why it was disappointing to read the NME’s “10 Worst Songs Of The 90s”. Out of the sheer number of bad recordings they could have chosen, the NME picked songs that did not deserve to be there. Tracks like ‘Lifted’, ‘Zombie’ and ‘Praise You’ were overplayed, but they were never awful. The NME didn’t even begin to look at the worst of the worst.

I’m not thinking about songs, including ‘Christmas in Blobbyland’, that didn’t attempt to hide their awfulness, but the songs which aspired for greatness or longevity and failed miserably; there’s something more tragic associated with the latter set of songs. At least charity records – such as ‘The Stonk’ and ‘The Millennium Prayer’ – had some redemption.

For me, the following songs are indefensible in every way.

10. ‘True to Us’ by Vanilla (1998)

Forget ‘No Way, No Way’ – this was the point when things went wrong for Vanilla. Unlike their debut single, which had a “we’re crap and from Barnet so take it or leave it” attitude, they started to take their music rather seriously.

Produced by a pre-fame Xenomania, it’s limply performed and mind-numbingly predictable. ‘True to Us’ would be forgivable if it just lacked substance, but this sorry number has nothing going for it at all.

9. ‘Today’s the Day’ by Sean Maguire (1997)

I’m almost convinced that this plagiarised Blur’s ‘Sunday Sunday’. You knew that the Britpop bandwagon was running out of stream when the likes of Sean Maguire tried (and failed) to jump on it. Think of ‘Wake Up Boo’ without the exposure, and with the extra smugness and shiteness – and that is ‘Today’s the Day’ in a nutshell.

8. ‘Big Time’ by Whigfield (1995)

Allmusic once stated that the “faux-reggae of ‘Big Time’ makes Ace of Base sound like Bob Marley”. And it’s easy to see why – seeing that it pretty much cashes in on every big musical trend of the 1990s.

From the repetitive beats and windpipes to the “Hi dee hi” cries and obligatory guest rapper (which doesn’t come close to reaching the standards set by Jazzie P’s rap on Kylie Minogue’s ‘Shocked’), it tries to pull every cheap trick out of the book without succeeding. ‘Big Time’ is cynically produced pop music at its very worst.

7. ‘What’s Up?’ by 4 Non Blondes (1993)

‘What’s Up?’, without a shadow of a doubt, is the most cringe-worthy, screechy and pompous middle-of-the-road rock song from the 1990s. Even the likes of the Spin Doctors and Crash Test Dummies aren’t this atrocious. It really isn’t cool.

6. ‘Bingo’ by Catch (1997)

If there’s one thing that Britpop should be derided for, it should be for allowing this brattish trio to infect our ears. ‘Bingo’ should rightly be slammed for being a lazy and shameless Pulp knock-off without showing any signs of talent or imagination.

As one YouTube user states: “A song made famous by one of the greatest tragedies of the nineties [Ed: for those who aren’t in the know, Catch’s appearance on the late night repeat of ‘The Chart Show’ was interrupted by the announcement of Princess Diana’s death]. Ironically enough, the song itself seems to be one of the greatest tragedies of the nineties…” Never has a truer word been spoken.

5. ‘Somethin’ Stupid’ by Ali and Kibibi Campbell (1995)

If you thought that the session musicians on Robson & Jerome’s ‘Unchained Melody’ got repetitive strain injuries, please spare a thought for those who helped to record this song.

Overly twee and sentimental, arrogant, complacent, painful, boring, unstructured and incoherent are all words that can describe this ghastly version of ‘Somethin’ Stupid’. And that’s before mentioning Kibibi’s contributions. Whoever thought of this idea deserves to be banned from the music industry for life.

4. ‘Wear My Hat’ by Phil Collins (1996)

Billboard once said that this track “bears such an uncanny resemblance to Paul Simon’s You Can Call Me Al”. That may be true but surely, with its Latino pop and jazzy beats, it’s also a tribute to Saturday Superstore’s favourite guest Matt Bianco? And you’ve guessed right; it does everything Matt Bianco did, only a million times worse. If there’s any justice, then this self-indulgent mess will be erased from musical records with immediate effect.

3. ‘Chapel of Love’ by London Boys (1990)

Also known as: ‘Requiem’ meets the ‘GamesMaster’ theme tune with added church bells. There’s nothing redeeming about this: it’s all of your worst nightmares rolled into one. If this is what love is meant to sound like, then I want nothing to do with it.

2. ‘Surfin’ USA’ by Aaron Carter (1998)

While Rebecca Black was wearing nappies and Justin Bieber was attending kindergarten, Aaron Carter recorded this song. It wouldn’t surprise me if the collapse of Western civilisation was blamed on this montrosity. ‘Nuff said.

1. ’911 is a Joke’ by Duran Duran (1995)

Something special was required to topple Mr Carter from the top spot and Simon Le Bon et al pulled out all the stops. Yep, that’s right, they once recorded a distorted version of a Public Enemy song, which sounds like a pitiful Beck tribute act. This song has to violate at least one taste and decency law, for sure. 911 is a joke? No, Duran Duran, you are a joke.

The origin of the cover: Album track on ‘Dance Into the Light’

Grade: F

Imagine Phil Collins doing a cover version of a Bob Dylan track; specifically, ‘The Times They Are a-Changin’. Now imagine that very song appearing on an upbeat Phil Collins album which features “afro-beat rhythms”, “jazzy pianos” and “uncharacteristically subtle horn sections”. ‘Dance into the Light’ was such a bad album that the public voted it as the ninth worst ever long-player in the third edition of Colin Larkin’s ‘All-time Top 100 Albums’.

Although it’s only an album track, this cover version feels out of place on a LP – even one that’s as bad as ‘Dance into the Light’. It doesn’t even meet the standards required for an inclusion on a mediocre OST; despite the fact that you could expect it to feature during a sentimental scene in a film like ‘Marley & Me’ or ‘Made in America’. That’s the sort of level that this recording aspires to be at and, even then, it fails to make the grade.

Considering the overall sound of Collins’ LP, this recording does what it sets to do: being earnest to the nth degree. From the amateurish piano chords to the sugar coated guitar riffs, this makes you queasy to the bottom of your gut. And, if Collins’ whines aren’t bad enough, he does the unforgivable at the halfway point. He includes bagpipes. And not just normal bagpipes; it has synthesised bagpipes. Misjudged doesn’t even come into it.

The main problem with Collins’ version, though, is its lack of context. People associate ‘The Times They Are a-Changin’ as a protest song with political themes; they see the song’s meaning as being prepared for change, no matter what. But this recording is on an album that celebrated Collins’ break-up with Genesis and his wife.

It seems self-centred and pompous for Collins to suggest that the meaning of this song could be comparable to Collins’ experiences. The singer not only shows a complete absence of self-awareness, but it’s also one of the 1990s’ worst self-indulgences. Whatever this piece of narcissistic cack is meant to be, it’s excruciating and nothing more.